and so...i bid...adieu...

my last memory before it all shifted was crouching down in the water in search of this beautiful shell. it looked so perfectly shaped...it was the shell i had been seeking for the past 2.5 years. when i tried to grab it with my toes it wound up burying itself in the sand...i suppose that could've been a metaphor...now that i think of it...maybe rooting itself in to stay planted where it belonged. but i persisted. i wanted this shell. with it's orange and shiny perfectly formed body. so i searched...and dove...and searched some more until i found it. i held that shell in my hands for a good while... mesmerized by finding such a gem this late in the game. but then the strangest thing happened...i went searching for more. the one thing i had looked for i had found...and within minutes i was already looking for something more beautiful...something more shiny...something more perfectly shaped. i caught myself of course...and laughed as i walked down the beach. and it set me up for weeks of thinking and watching and debating...

so here i sit today. on the corner of amsterdam and 86th street in new york city...watching the people pass by...waiting to see what the cards may hold....still wondering if there might be another shell out there. so much has passed...and i know there is no way to capture the last two months into this small entry...but i know this...my life has forever changed. and that shell...it may be the most perfect find ever...but when i looked at it closer i realized it's contour was misshapen...it's growth edges had been made smooth by all the tumbling it had taken from across the ways. and so i sit. realizing that the last two years of my life served to smooth out my edges. soften me into the perfect vessel that i can be. here. now. constantly growing...evolving...shifting..but always perfectly designed.

i am about to interview for the 'step up from' job that was designed for me through all the tumbling i have done in this lifetime. every upside down inside out twist has softened me and shifted me a bit more into the next piece that fits...perfectly. when i talk to people...virtual strangers...about what i do...what my passion is...they tell me i am selfless and altruistic...and it's odd. i am me. i couldn't do anything else. i couldn't be involved with any other type of work. my life was designed in this manner and this direction. it's not for any other reason than the seas led me here. and i find...as i sit watching the movement of the city and waiting for the next piece to fit into the puzzle...i am no longer looking for another shell down the beach. the one i currently hold is the one that was destined to be.

so my service has ended through the peace corps and is now extending into the next piece of the world. and so...i must bid adieu to this part of the puzzle...not because it is done but because it has moved...and so am i. so as i open myself up to the fluidity of the universe and allow it all to rush in...i will pause. and breathe...and guarantee...another chapter will begin soon.

so much love and gratitude to all of you who have followed my travels as i have learned, expanded and grown. stay tuned for the next book....until then...go find your shell. xoxox

from the heart...

some days are so profound...they snap you back into a reality you had long since trailed away from. people reminding you of your heart, your worth, your wealth. the girls center has been on a strike for the past week and with it no classes, no girls, no interaction and a certainty that my time in saint lucia would come to a screeching halt without a single good-bye or hug from the group of women and girls that have become my family. i understood of course, they are fighting for their right to increased wages and appreciation. but what was around the corner for me was so incredible even now my heart is bursting open with a love and tenderness i haven't felt in a long time. all of the women came into the center during strike to say good-bye and with them the girls. we had a nice lunch and a ceremony at the end of the day where we got to share with one another. there was not a dry eye in the room...mine producing the most moisture. it's rare that you sit in a room and hear of the impact you have made, the goodness you have instilled, the lives you have affected. it's rare to hear of the ways in which just being yourself proved powerful enough to impact a world view. and today was one of those days. where i heard. one by one staff and girls stood up and told me how i have impacted their lives. i was told how my tattoos were a put off in the beginning but taught to look beyond the exterior and look into the hearts of people to find truth. i was told how my ability to be me without fear of what others thought allowed for openness and gratitude. i was thanked for my words and my willingness to always have the girls backs...and how that simple gesture allowed them to open and listen and make life changes that will affect them for years to come. i was told how simply listening and connecting with a japanese volunteer helped her to settle and find her way a little more easily. i was given love. so much love. and it made me realize that in the year that i was unsure and uncertain but kept pushing on i was making a difference. i was having a powerful impact in ways i could have never imagined...and it made me realize how important we are as humans to one another. without ever sharing with the girls my own history or background...how i have been in their shoes...i was able to connect. i was able to listen. i was heard. it made me realize how powerful it is to put your differences aside...leave the struggles and pain at the door and push through no matter the situation...because it is that day in that moment that you might change someone's life. it made me realize that human connection and authenticity is really the greatest gift we can offer one another and when we live from our hearts, speak from our hearts, breathe from our hearts, and allow with our hearts...we truly can change the world.
so funny. i came into the peace corps with that lofty goal. i was told numerous times that goal is impossible...think smaller or you will burn out. i came to my own realization that maybe just affecting one life would be enough...would create a ripple..but here i am on my way out certain yet again that it is within my capacity to truly change the world. every person in that room was impacted by me in some way today. and that is an incredible feeling. but what is even more incredible is that my entire life and being has been forever changed by each and every one of them. and only for the better.
i was chosen. and i am so grateful i was.

some days...

Some days...I love you Sent Lisi...with your sea breezes promising to blow away any discomfort or uncertainties. On these days it seems everything will always be right. I love you when my day is full of kids doing it...living and loving and letting go. Days like today...when I woke before sunrise and practiced on your silent predawn bliss. When I run into incredible friends and stay for leisurely chats as if the world has nowhere for me to be. When the sun kisses my skin and reminds me how important it is to give gratitude for the warmth of life and feeling. Days like today fill my soul and make me feel as though all the pieces of the world are in place...and I wonder...should I stay here forever...as if forever exists...but then inevitably...some of your undercurrent shows Sent Lisi and I find myself trembling inside...longing for space to tear my heart out and scream...how can you be so ugly while maintaining such a beautiful face.

It's true I've been struggling and my emotional state has been so unbalanced. These life changes that are on my horizon are nothing less than magnificent and pulling me in a million directions. It's true that my mainfestation skills are seemingly on point which draws from all directions...it may even be true that I have a little negative karma that needs working out...but this place...this angst...you can keep it. And you should tuck it far away in a place that no one has to see. Being verbally assaulted, ridiculed, disrespected, shamed, cursed at, and belittled for an entire bus ride home simply because I was there and you were drunk. It's not okay. It's not okay. Sitting around while it's occurring and laughing...it's not okay. Not saying anything...it's not okay. If you came to my country or my town or were in my space and someone treated you the way you did me...I would speak out for you. I would stop your hatred because it's wrong. But I am here...living and loving in your country and you do not for me Sent Lisi.

My heart aches today for the disenfranchised. For the voiceless. My heart aches for you Sent Lisi and the message you are sending to your visitors...because while this has been my home...it is forever yours. And if you do not stand for it...it will fall. I wish for no one to ever feel the way I did on that bus this afternoon. I wish for no one to have to hold back tears and wonder what they could or should do. I wish for you to never feel that way and for no one to ever put you in that position and if I am ever given the opportunity to stand for you...I will...a hundred times. Because that is love. Universal Love.

Tomorrow I will wake up Sent Lisi and I will rise with your predawn soul. And I will whisper on your winds for a quieter storm to pass through. And peace to lift you up.

i rise...

the beauty of this day...above was the morning. this afternoon i watched a group of young men drumming with a group of seasoned drummers for the 'i rise' campaign. i also ran into a host of incredible women that i know here in saint lucia and remembered once again to fall in love. 

day of babies...

13-2-2013
this morning on my way to work i was struggling. because in case you haven't quite deduced yet, i am not a fan of castries...especially castries morning commuting. that being said...i was on the lookout for beauty. it was hard pressed to find but as i was walking there was a man strolling ever so gently with his son on the way to work. the little one couldn't have been more than 2 and was having a difficult time keeping up with his dad's long legs...ever so mindful dad stepped to the side with son so that i could pass. with a huge smile he said go ahead. immediately my mood lifted and i walked the rest of the way with a huge smile on my face. that was where it ended...or so i thought. on my way home i was looking....looking...i guess my head wasn't in the game...but then when i turned the corner and approached my yard i saw this:

moment of clarity...

as i was leaving work today and walking through castries to reach the bus...i got held up in front of a woman walking in the opposite direction. we stopped and did the little side step to the same direction that you do when you get caught up with another human and in that moment i remembered connectedness. and beauty. out the window of the bus on my way home traffic was stopped in both directions to allow a bull and his girlfriend to pass to the other side of the road. in that instant i fell in love again.
so....i have decided to post the little pieces of beauty i see each day. some days may be more trying than others but with the focus i am sure to remember. and reconnect.

finding home again.

this post is inspired by something i read on elephantjournal today. a yoga blog dedicated to truth and honesty in all it's forms:  http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/02/the-unbearable-heaviness-of-being-human/

the past few weeks i have been having deep internal struggles. my heart has gripped, wrapped, and closed itself tightly into the cave it once lived in. i spent years breaking through those barriers to open myself up to love and honesty and beauty in all its forms...but then...it went back into hiding. it crept up slowly...this heart wrenching...the anger. it started out subtly but continued to sneak up on me through the night until it was out in the open...blazing loudly...in every which direction i turned. i don't know what started it honestly...but if i take it back...the two years that i have been here in saint lucia have been intense. i have seen the deepest of human struggles, the hardest of human fights, the ugliest pieces of the human spirit. and i breathe, and i swim, and i sing, and i practice humility and patience and kindness...but it doesn't stop the pain...it doesn't deny the truth that humanity can be so incredibly destructive to it's own lifeblood...spirit.

so if i really check it...it may be all the pain and struggle i have endured while here. all the heartache i have shouldered and housed for the struggling. it may be the gap that brought me home to support only to be violently rung back into the reality of the yin and the yang. the balance that seems so incredible unbalanced most of the time. it may be the hurtful words, glances, unacknowledgment that builds and builds. it may be the uncertainty with which these two years that have bled into days, hours, and minutes which have become routine and commonplace are about to end...into complete unknown. it could be that all that pain and heartache is leading me to a path of the greatest awakening of my life. but it's undeniable...wherever it is coming from.

i read something today...a horoscope about preparing for the intense opening that will come after all this pain and destruction. after all the testing and hurdles and hoop jumping are over...to be prepared for the greatness that is on the horizon. i know that every hard turn leads to a straightaway until again another turn comes. such is life. i know that i will never forget the pain and heartache i witness on a daily basis here that has formed and nicked itself deeply into my heart and my soul. i will remember every time i come to the safety of my mat how much that space saved me when i felt my world was crashing in. i will remember how blessed i am to be surrounded by love and patience and goodness and how rare that is to find in the world.

i am so grateful for this experience in my life. and amazed at how it is ending and my emotional response as it rolls out. i suppose i can finally let go. and feel a little freer knowing....this too shall pass.

two months and a lifetime later...

i wouldn't even know how to begin to discuss the last two months or all of the realizations and revelations or backwards forwards motion that has been going on in my life. i've been out and about for the last month. i went home for my brother's graduation and christmas and then to jamaica for new years. i came back to saint lucia and just wrapped up my close of service for peace corps and in the midst of all of that have been riding through an existential crisis that i am sure is another rite of passage for those of us that choose peace corps, or really, for anyone who has chosen the wanderlust path less walked. so i don't know how to begin all the things i have realized over these past two months but i have a few poignant things standing out in my mind that i'd love to share with anyone who will listen. so here goes.

my time at home was pretty incredible. my first day back i went to a yoga class and at the end of class while in my final resting pose, i started sobbing. not just crying, sobbing. i couldn't figure out what was going on at first but as i settled into the emotions that were rising i realized that it was the first time in a long time that i felt safe. i felt fully supported on that hardwood floor and able to just let go. and so i did. i let my guard down, i stopped protecting myself around every corner. i breathed a little deeper, cried a little harder, and let go. and it was the first time i really stopped to check how all of the things i have experienced over these two years have affected me. peace corps doesn't come with a play by play of all the chaotic life situations you are about to walk into or a clear lesson on how to deal with the exponential growth that meets you around every corner and that no one else seems to understand. they don't really talk to you about the impact of having to quiet yourself or hold some of your most intricately beautiful pieces to yourself because they won't make sense in the culture you are in. and no one can prepare you for the impact of letting all those things go at one time when you reach a place that will allow you to do so. and so, on my mat that night, and many more nights to come, i let go. i got overwhelmed, i cried, i got lost, i got found...and i know it was just the tip of the iceberg to realizing where i have been and where i am yet to go.

when i reached jamaica i felt like maybe a new piece was opening up. a new understanding. jamaica has this special place in my soul. like when i get there i settle easily because somehow, deep inside, i know it. deeply. one of the most profound experiences i had there was standing on a seaside cliff in the countryside where the majority of the houses are tiny shacks built on land that does not belong to them but that have been standing for twenty or more years overlooking this view any american or westerner would pay ridiculous amounts of money to build their ginormous houses on. but here, the daily grind is waking up, making breakfast, sweeping, and resting. it made such an impression on me after coming from the excess of the states to see this small village where everyone knows each other full of love and laughter and life but holding on by threads. clean air, beauty around every turn and what seemed like a disregard for how amazing that all is. and it made me realize it doesn't really matter where you are in the world, the grass will always be greener on the other side. so as i sat and tried to figure out what my next steps in life might be, on that seaside cliff, i promised myself to never forget that every corner of the world holds this beauty and to never take any of it for granted and always remember the beauty in simplicity. it is so easy to get caught up in any direction...whether it's what you have, don't have, or want...we all are human...

so then saint lucia. i returned here with a fervor. a heightened sense of purpose and gratitude. i came back with this certainty that i wanted to extend my service and do the work i have been called to do. that lasted until the plane wheels hit the runway and then something in my soul started stirring. and then it was our close of service conference...and it kept stirring. and i've been confused and lost and guarded all over again. saint lucia has been my home for the last two years and peace corps my world view. thinking about walking away from that seems to make little to no sense. and so i have been fighting and fighting with myself and my fifteen minute mood swings. but today something profound happened...i stepped on my mat...which is where i always find myself again...it's like coming home over and over again. and through the entire practice it became more and more clear what i was doing and where i needed to be heading. i realized that if i stay in saint lucia i hold myself back from the next phase of growth that comes from this experience. i realized that i have so many dents and grooves to make on this planet that sitting in limbo...stagnant will not feed my soul and certainly will not feed this big beautiful world. from that point...i remembered my ultimate goal of working with youth in the juvenile justice system and incorporating yoga and meditation. i started to remember who i was again and i realized that when i came back this time i got lost quickly. so it's time to go. where, when, how? the doors are opening. but i know that the world is calling and i can't keep pretending like i don't hear. this experience, life, place has changed me forever...but now...it is time to see what i can do with that and how even more so it will affect others.

but....hang out...cause i might change my mind again in fifteen minutes.  ;)

up.date.d.

i have been thinking about all the things i have been talking about with people and considering how i should be documenting it all...but then i don't. i think i have a problem with follow through. which is why the completion of these two years may set a new pattern into play for me. i finished my bachelors...my masters...but still had that itch...maybe these two years have scratched it enough that i can find myself settling down for once and living the contemporary american life...yeah...i doubt it. it's a thought though....i guess these thoughts are inevitable considering that my service is close to it's end. it's hard to believe that i have been here two years and that i will soon have to make a new choice in my life. some days it feels as though i have been here ten years...as so much has happened in my life and around me. i have grown exponentially in these last two years and learned so much about myself in a foreign environment; i know i have been forever changed. so i thought i would take this time to simply document the things that have affected me and/or been running wild through my mind:

i'll start with the magnificent.

 i was talking to a friend of mine the other day about all we have experienced and learned during these past two years. there is this interesting thing in peace corps where you have a subculture within the culture. which is completely outside of the actual culture we are living in. some of us that joined peace corps are seekers, healers, wanderers, travelers, spiritual gangsters. so this experience takes on an entirely different and new face for us as we step into a world unknown with a deep need to understand, connect, and learn through each movement. every encounter, every sunset, every bus ride is impactful on a cellular level. and they add up. this experience has been one of the most profoundly terrifying, eye opening, heart opening, heart breaking, life shaking, twisty-turny rides of my life. but it has shifted me and my energy to this new space of awareness and self-sufficiency i hadn't quite known before. in that space this is my realization...i have manifested all the things i spoke about previously into existence during my time here in saint lucia. let me explain...i am a firm believer that what we speak we create...especially if there is a strong intention behind it. when i was 16 i spoke a deep desire to join peace corps. when i was 20-something i spoke a deep desire to serve. when i was in my bachelors and masters programs i spoke a deep desire to work with disadvantaged youth...and here i am. doing just that. in the exact capacity i want. some years ago i spoke a deep desire to love unconditionally. to truly understand what it means to have an open heart and open soul in all circumstances...as tough as this road has been, i have learned how to love openly and unconditionally even when the world is pressing against me. i have worked my entire life to truly understand myself and gain a deep connectedness to god and spirit...i have found that here. before i left the states to join the peace corps i spoke a desire to reconnect all the pieces of myself...the old, little sarah that was so full of life and joy...with the new, older, maturer sarah that was more grounded and focused...it has happened here. while here in saint lucia i have been forced to see myself from every angle. i have run up against myself in a hundred different ways a hundred different times...and each impact has caused a tiny crack, a tiny falling away until eventually...like the shedding of skin...i have emerged stronger, softer, more aware, and more connected than i have ever been in my life. my peace corps experience has truly been a metamorphosis...and as i face return to the states and the world that i no longer truly know...i wonder how i will fit into the pieces that were left for me.

the less magnificent pieces are the every day...the social issues i run into...the cultural differences that may never make sense. the disparity between the facade of wealth and the struggles of day to day living. the work i am doing is so rewarding and yet so challenging. every day i work to connect to and understand what these young people are going through to help them better navigate through the troubled waters...and it never fails that i hear of sexual abuse, molestation, violence, anger, fear...and these pieces are so pervasive in the world i am living in it becomes difficult to tease apart and even more difficult to find ways to help without becoming discouraged and uncertain. every day these youth come with the hope of changing, shifting, growing...and it seems every direction and every side is set up against the possibility of that happening. these kids are growing up in a world that is disenfranchised...destructive...dismal. they live in a world where you are taught not to trust anyone...to only give respect if you get it. they live in a world where the promise of success is met with destruction. where the negative is always the focus before the positive. they live in a world where the bad you do is highlighted and the good is forgotten. they are amongst babies having babies and many times have not been given the basic skills of thinking and understanding that i take for granted. so every day when a little headway is made...it unravels as they go back to the world that continues to tear them down.

i see it everywhere i go...it's not just for the "at-risk." i see families and couples and friends struggle to communicate. i see tempers and anger flare up within seconds of a conflict. and i try. i try every day to find ways for these kids to open and understand...but the world against them is hard. and then i think to myself...there is some beauty in this. these pieces...this ugliness and harshness...it has softened me. while i have been here it has forced me to become deeply aware of myself and my connection to things...deeply aware of my emotional reaction to situations and people. it has taught me to let go over and over again. and this is what i see so fluently throughout this culture. an ability to let go. there is not a lot of holding on to things...at least on the surface. when you get deep into the reality..the pain and disappointment of the harshness takes its toll...but there is this ability to live present in each moment with a deep awareness that we are not promised tomorrow. and that has taught me so much. i wish...now that i am coming toward the end of my service...that i was better able to relay my own learning and growing to the kids i work with as they have done for me. i wish i had been able to show them the pieces of my growth and opening in an effort to soften them in their ability to step into their own battles every day. i have learned so much in my time here...i feel almost guilty or selfish that i have not done the same for them.

the truth is i may never know. i may never know the impact i have had on this tiny little dot in the sea...but i know my life is forever changed for having been here...and i will never be able to go back. for that i am forever grateful. and forever...unconditionally in love.

out of the mouths of babes...

today i went on a brilliant date with a boy i am head over heels in love with...

we do this sometimes...though not as often as i'd like...and our usual dates consist of us going to Windjammer..which is an incredibly overpriced resort up the beach from my home...and using their facilities...swimming in their pool, playing with their rafts, jumping on their water trampoline, sliding down their sea slide... Sometimes...we will buy some fries for $15. but most times we just play. i remember the first time we went out on one of these dates being really unsure about whether or not we should be sliding into the pool of those who never bat an eye at $15. fries..but my 7 year old friend (at the time...he has since turned 8) assured me that we would be okay. so we walked in as if we owned the place...jumped in the pool...played on the inflatable shamu....and remained safe, invisible to the eyes of those around.

i remember a comment his mother made when i brought him home and told her how uncertain i was if we would get away with our sneakiness...of course...you are white...no one will say a word. it didn't strike me as too odd as i had heard that line of reasoning more than once...and seen it's truth on many occasions...i am in fact treated differently because of the color of my skin. not always in the way of opening up doors to fancy hotels...sometimes in an attempted excessive overcharge at the market...or in a snide remark in passing...but most times in every day interactions with young people about how beautiful my hair is and how much they hate theirs...about how soft my skin is and how they wish they could have it too...it's gotten me thinking on more than one occasion at how often skin color becomes the dominating feature in social settings...but today...it hit me on a stronger, deeper level.

while we were walking to the resort ahjani told me that the one thing he likes about white boys is they get to have a lot of parties and black boys don't. he then told me he liked how they got things...how they always had ipads and kindles and video games and black boys didn't really get to have those things. now...ahjani has a lot for most 8 year olds. he is a special little boy who everyone falls in love with and out of that love constantly gives him gifts. he has bikes, skateboards, basketballs, video games, animals...the list goes on...but his perception here is that the white boys have more. and he's probably right. but the insinuation stuck in my mind. the distinction has been made between me and them. the line is drawn.

later in the day we were in the pool and some guests had let us borrow one of their toys. i told him if we were going to continue using it he needed to go make sure it was okay with them. his comment was that they were up the stairs and "black people like me can't go up there...it's only for white people." i was shocked. ahjani is no stranger to white people. he has had plenty of white friends but clearly has been indoctrinated into the concept of us and them. i explained to him that it was guests who could go up there and non-guests who needed to stay down in the area we were in but i don't think that point rang as true.

it was striking. our conversation, his perception, reality. it was striking. as we were walking home we came across this:

a lizard shedding it's skin...i didn't even know lizards did this but i thought to myself...wow...imagine if we could all do this and see what is underneath before we ever see what's on the outside.

haphazardly integrated

i am in the midst of a pretty powerful break-up. it's heart breaking and wondrous in ways i have never known before. it's unlike any falling away i have previously experienced and definitely comes with it's own set of challenges and confusions...but it's intimately beautiful and precious at the same time.

having a relationship in peace corps is unlike anything i have ever experienced before. prior to becoming a volunteer, i had been single for a long, long time. single by choice. single with the need and desire to fully understand and integrate all pieces of myself so that when it was time...i could fully show up in a space that would allow even deeper growth, awareness, and understanding of the dark pieces of my shadow i couldn't see on my own. that personal growth took a long time. it took up a lot of space in the world...so much so that i got really comfortable with just me...and knew that when someone came knocking...it would be tough to open up the door all the way. but then i was in the peace corps. and life is different. and so the door opened and a little quicker and wider than i had imagined. and i fell in love. deeply in love. with another person that deeply and intricately reflected my shadows...the pieces of myself even i didn't want to acknowledge. so here i am in this world that is not mine...longing for connection and understanding and compassion and familiarity. i will be the first to admit i fell quickly into the comfort that was offered. but that is nothing new. it's my pattern. i always fall without regard and look back later wondering...if i had taken a little more time...would i have seen it differently. and consistently in that looking back i have regrets...longings and wishes that there would have been more...i would have done more, said more, known more....

so here i am in this deep, deep place with another human being...in a world that is not mine nor his...holding space in a haphazard kind of way because peace corps is haphazard. existence in peace corps is haphazard: characterized by lack of order or planning, by irregularity, by randomness; determined by or dependent on chance....and by chance my heart cracked open. all the pieces were in place for such an event. my heart was already bursting open wide with hope and possibility for this situation i was in...and when it started to prove more difficult than i expected and i became more distant from myself than i had ever known...a reflection of myself and my dreams and desires was the perfect addition to my experience. i fell in love. deeply in love with another human being. fell in love in a way i had never known before. in love with the dark pieces of myself that kept showing up in the cracks and crevasses of us. my heart cracked open. wide. and something magical happened.

i fell in love in a way i had never known. i fell in love in a way that kept me in when i could've walked away. i fell in love in a way that hurt deeper than i thought possible and kept me well aware of the truth that i am fully, intimately connected and alive along side every atom of this universe. i fell in love in a way that allowed me to see the essence of myself and ultimately fell in love so deeply that i had to walk away.

peace corps is haphazard. falling in love in peace corps is haphazard. it exists on levels that were unbeknownst to me before arriving on this island. it shelters in the storms that are forever rolling through and if we are not careful...it can aid us in getting so lost we think those bolts of thunder are how it's always been and always will be. i guess that is love though...strong, loud, powerful, scary, foundation-shaking. but here is the beauty of it...the beauty of love in the peace corps and this love that i have found...it has allowed me to find my heart open...even amidst the shadows and the pain and the struggles.

god has cracked my heart open again and again and again until this time....it is open...eternally. and gratefully. open.

finding the self in no self

It's been almost a month since I have come back from Saint Vincent. That trip and the choices since have ignited a significant change in me...one that was a long time coming and a reflection of the years of work I have done to get here. When I returned from Saint Vincent I returned with a renewed vigor for myself and my own growth. I recommitted to my yoga and spiritual practice and the integration of my past lives with my current Peace Corps life. This was not necessarily a conscious decision but more so a movement of soul. Let me give a little background.

My life has had its fair share of difficulties, challenges, edges that were mostly self imposed. I have taken high roads and low roads only to find myself forking to the left more than enough times. Somehow I have managed to always redirect my course and use the former twists and turns to ignite the next chapter all the while secretly, intricately interweaving the pieces to a form that has not yet presented itself...yet. What I have found as life has moved on and I have made choice upon choice is that those interwoven pieces somehow became lost...forgotten. Some, while painful and difficult to remember, were the pieces that truly define who I am on a deep level...a soul level. As if they are the pieces that have always been...joining me lifetime after lifetime in the hopes that the creases will get wrinkled out and the smooth form will take hold. As if they join me minute by minute in the hope that one day I will reconnect and all the pieces will take hold. I'm sure most of what I am saying makes no sense outside my own head...and even in there I'm not sure it was very clear until my return from Vincey and my commitment to stepping back on my yoga mat. Somehow that seemingly simple gesture, which I have performed hundreds of times before, turned on all the pieces of myself and the remembrance of who I am...truly...and how I wound up here.

Peace Corps is an interesting phenomenon. It is two years of your life where you constantly live in a state of uncertainty...of yourself and the world around you. I have spent the last year and a half in what seems to be a constant state of fight or flight mode. It has become such a common place to me now that I think I have just settled into it as normalcy. But when I stepped onto my mat this time...I realized something bigger has been happening. In the year and a half that I have been here I have relived every challenge, every difficulty, every hardship, every bad choice through different teachers. Same scenarios, different faces. While I had a small realization of this a few months ago...I didn't truly realize it until I was sitting in meditation one day and it all came flooding back. All of it. All of the memories and pieces of me I thought I had lost..all the pieces I worked to forget. I saw it so clearly...my experience in Peace Corps has been all about letting go and letting love. All of this time on this island has allowed me to reorganize and realize the deepest and truest nature of myself. When I opened my eyes from that meditation it was as though everything had integrated. And I let go. And I joined myself again in this world. In peace.

This morning as I was beginning my yoga practice a yellow breasted bird came and sat on the windowsill for quite a while and joined me in welcoming the day. In that moment I knew without a doubt every little thing is gonna be alright.

blue moons...

it certainly has been about forever since i've last documented anything regarding my experience. it's not for lack of life altering events but more that i just haven't really had the inclination to share my experiences with the world. i was recently in st vincent on an amazing vacation discussing this point with a friend who agreed that sometimes certain growth edges need to stay internally milling about until they are ready to smooth. some growth edges are quite personal and only ours for the developing.
that being said...life has surely directed me once again to the intricately designed spot i am now sitting in. humbly. quiet. july ended the year at upton gardens girls center and brought with it a perfectly placed vacation. i took the opportunity to hop over to saint vincent and the grenadines for some much needed r & r. i have been struggling in my service for the past couple of months. i think the transition from my first assignment to my new one left me a bit disoriented beyond my own recognition. while i absolutely love upton gardens, being there means that i am no longer an integral part of the development of cdp. a program that i have so much faith and hope in. the transition was seamless intellectually but i believe my emotional self may have skirted away with a few loose threads. that being said the transition and the overwhelming weight of constantly adjusting and redefining in an unfamiliar culture left me slightly worn around the edges and ready for some down time.
i took off to saint vincent with the intention of staying 10 days and soon realized that would not be enough time...if i had my way i might have spent an eternity there...and beyond. vacation is an amazing thing...but this was beyond the experience of a vacation. i was fortunate enough to be in sync with a few other friends who were vacationing at the same time and therefore able to tap into their vacation. we hiked, climbed, bathed, swam, laughed, sang, metamorphosised, and experienced every single moment that was for the taking. the most amazing part of the entire experience was that i regained myself. leaving saint lucia and the stressors that have created a continual state of fight or flight i was able to breathe. fully. i was able to see. clearly. i was able to hear. truly.
living here i have felt the need to step into another skin. one that is not my own. one that many times i don't quite recognize but continue to move throughout my days with the hope that the reflection i see will one day become familiar. the more i try to see clearly, the less distinct my silhouette becomes. i have been looking to find balance for a while. desperately trying to find the perfect conversation, walk, interaction, minute that might snap me back into my own truth. desperately searching for the idealist who stepped onto this path a year and a half ago and becoming more lost than found with each step. the day before i left for st vincent my soul was uprooted unbeknownst to me so that it could be replanted in firmer soil.
my time away on this beautiful, mystical, magical island refurbished my foundation. reconnected me to the source of my self and the divinity within. the people and places i found myself a part of every minute of every day were constantly synchronically driven. for two weeks i found myself shedding layers and layers of hurt and pain and angst and fear and want and refilling with truth and honesty and connectedness. i began to feel again...to connect again...to breathe again. i started to notice that the reflection i was seeing looked a little more familiar. the skin a little more comfortable. i started to recognize myself and my thoughts a little more clearly. i let go.
let go of expectations. let go of perceptions and judgments. let go of hurt and aggression. let go of pain and disappointment. i let go and felt the intensity fall away.

i am now home and back to work. today was my first day back in castries and back in the flow. i prayed that my awareness and freedom would carry me through the city and through my day. and my day was filled with serendipitous meetings and immeasurable warmth. around every corner was a chance meeting with someone i needed to see or a perfectly placed conversation with a stranger. by the end of my work day my heart was just as full as it was while it was reprogramming on vacation. as i was walking through town on my way out of work...a small boy came running toward me...no parent in sight...but seemingly on a mission. i grabbed him as i thought someone would surely be missing him after he had broken away in a mad dash for freedom and brought him back up in the direction he had come running from. a woman on the side of the road asked if he was with me and i said no...so she told me to leave him with her and she would find his mother. soon after, a little girl came around the corner and said..."mom is going to beat you" to which the woman replied that if anyone beat this child she would call the police and proceeded to go into a rightfully placed dialogue about the responsibility of the parent to account for their child. and there this little boy sat. perfectly content on a strangers lap. no tears, no fear. content.

i have reconnected with that deep part of my self. my soul self. the part that aches and longs for truth and honesty. love and openness. awareness and fully realized potential. and that self knows that little boy was placed there for me today as a reminder. a reminder to trust in the goodness of the world and the guidance of spirit. to have faith. and to know that even in fight or flight mode...you are always protected.

so thank you saint vincent...for finding me while i was aimlessly directing myself down your streets. and thank you for returning me home.

you can't satisfy...

the other day i was on a bus heading to work. i was sitting in the seat closest to the door and when the woman next to me got off i moved in one seat. this placed me next to an older, white gentleman who wasted no time in asking me, "do you notice the condition of this bus? the engine noise and the stalling out and the jerking?" up until that point i hadn't really noticed other than it was a red bus which usually indicate a less than smooth ride. but it got me thinking. he waited to ask me that question because the color of my skin somehow indicated that i would have been disturbed by the "condition" of that bus. which i wasn't. since it's par for the course here...but he wouldn't have known that the red buses are the ones to look out for. that the high top white or gray vans are the ones to ride in if you are looking for style. and he wouldn't have known that i am privy to that information based on the color of my skin. he assumed that i, like him, was incredibly insecure and uncomfortable on that bus. which i wasn't.
during that same bus ride i noticed a young secondary school girl at the bus stop who had the most hateful, angry look on her face. if her face had frozen in that position she would surely look at herself one day ten years from now and regret all that anger that had been filling her soul...at least i'd like to think that...maybe she'd still feel the same way. but it got me thinking. and observing...and replaying the same internal conversation i have been having for weeks in my own mind....
i have been noticing this trend with the youth here...this deep seeded anger that many times seems displaced and uncontrollable. i work with girls every day who comment about the inability to control their anger...how a feeling just takes them over and they can't stop themselves from reacting violently either with words or actions. i see young people on the streets every day speaking harshly and violently to one another...angry. over what i am unsure...maybe the cards they are dealt? the life they are not privy to have? the longing that they will never fulfill.
i have noticed that the generation below me...and the upcoming youth have a sense of entitlement i have never experienced before. i will be the first to admit that i was spoiled growing up. i came from a family that gave...and gave a lot. i am certain my father wanted me to have and experience all he never did and he made certain that i and my brother never went without...but the concept of work and dedication wasn't lost on me. i knew that his work ethic and drive were what put us where we were. and was the same thing that insisted i get a job when i was at the appropriate age. but there is this stirring in youth today...this belief that they are entitled because they are here. seeing this play out in saint lucia comes with it's own set of idiosyncratic ways. here is why i think it's led to such anger....
the youth of saint lucia are like all other kids all over the world. they long to be abreast of the latest trends...to have the newest phones...to wear the most stylish clothes. they long to emulate what they see their american heroes like trey songs, beyonce, nikki minaj, lil wayne and the likes wearing, driving, sporting, drinking...and in many ways saint lucia provides a facade that those things...that lifestyle is just within reach. unfortunately the truth is there is a serious discrepancy between the world they see and the world they are a part of. they live in a world where if the veneer were ripped off...the poverty and need would be exposed. the faulted education system and lack of opportunity. the pressure to perform to the highest standards without any promise of a future career or access to higher education.
so here we have these kids growing up witnessing a world of haves on the television...living in a world of miraged haves in their country and longing to have in their hearts. and when they begin to see the truth of their existence...the little that is being offered in comparison to the greatness they have imagined they get angry. their psyche and every ounce of their being tells them they are entitled and every ounce of their reality does not provide. and this discrepancy...this blazing truth against what their internal mechanism tells them is the truth...causes anger. discomfort. aggression. fear. and all of this manifests in the collective youth culture.
i hear people say all the time that the influence of america...of western culture...with the advent of television and marketing...changed the soul of saint lucia. for the longest time i didn't want to hear that. i wanted to blame it on the parents...on lack of education...of babies having babies...on ignorance...but then i remembered the polynesian cultures who had never had incidents of eating disorders until they were exposed to american culture. and i saw a polynesian woman comment on how fat she was in the face of the plastic, carved white women she served every day in her hotel job...and i questioned...maybe it's not that far off.
we live in a world of over stimulation. kids today are growing up with this awareness of what the world has to offer. and they want it. and they want it now.
the roots are being lost. the essence is becoming harder to find. and the kids...they are angry. really, really angry. so as i sit in my last year in saint lucia...i wonder...how can i affect these kids in a way to balance out their wants and needs versus what is available. how can i affect change among an entire generation who is underserved and unsatisfied?

change agent...

i want to preface this blog by saying this is not to offend anyone...there are a number of wonderful and incredible things happening around me...but today...today was difficult...and i needed to share.

in relation to my last post i would like to expand on some things i am struggling with today...things that have always been present...but are boldly shouting at me in this moment. peace corps is an amazing experience overall. the ability and expectation of embedding yourself into a culture that is not your own. of working to help create change from the inside out. of building lifelong connections and friendships that root in ways you never imagined. but no matter how deeply you integrate into your community and your workplace...you will never be of this culture. there are ways and means that will always allude you...and on days like today...haunt you. when i signed up for this journey i had an entire two years planned out in my mind. i knew what i would be learning, what i would be teaching, and what i would most likely struggle with. all of those presumptions were off by a million miles. here i am...a year and a half into my service...and i am continually struggling with the same social issues i have been since day one...okay...that's not fair...in the beginning i was definitely on my honeymoon with saint lucia and she could do no wrong...so let's say since month four.
i think one of the greatest reasons peace corps is still in saint lucia 50 years later is to address the social issues that everyone is talking about but no one is doing anything about. today, the problem is...how can i be an agent of change as an outsider to a world i don't understand with issues i vehemently disagree with?
today i was on the bus when this whole dialogue started in my mind. i was watching things pass out the window when i noticed a group of guys sitting on the block. i see guys sitting on the block all the time. twenty to thirty somethings with no job, no education, nowhere to go...nothing to do. this isn't a new site for me. but today for some reason it struck me that i will never understand the issues those guys face. i will never understand what it's like to wake up day after day with nowhere to go but the stoop down the street and nothing to do but smoke herb all day and watch things pass you by. i can listen...if they wanted to share...but i will never understand. i am here as a peace corps volunteer. with a masters degree...that granted i have yet to pay for...but it's mine. no one will ever take my education away from me. and i worked for that so i am in no way discounting the importance and power of that education...but i will never be able to understand the plight of those guys..sitting all day. content with watching the cars and people and life pass them by.
when i got to work one of the girls was passing me on the road...i asked her where she was going as i knew she was supposed to be in school. she told me she was going home. when i arrived i asked if they knew she was on the road and explained what she had said...it was a joke. no harm done...but it turned into an issue of disrespect. and therefore she was reprimanded and asked to apologize. i don't really understand what she did wrong...but due to the difference in culture didn't want to overstep and insert my opinion.
later in the day i faced the dilemma of another girl who has left home because of the incredible abuse she has to endure from her mother. this time...she left because she feared for her life. she has been the recipient of all forms of abuse...heinous abuse...but she is still in her mother's home. and at this point i realized...i have no leeway here...i have no idea what to do or where to direct her. the only thing i can do is let her know i am there...share with her what i know...and pray that the center supports her in her need for safety and security. but it got me to thinking about my deepest issue here...personally. the violence masked as discipline.
i cannot go a day without seeing a child being yanked, pulled, hit, kicked, knocked down...in the name of discipline. discipline for things as simple as being a child. being a normal child who does what children do. it's beating. it's what people do here. but i don't understand it. and i will never understand it. and when i hear lucians talk about how they don't understand why the country is turning so violent...why youth are so aggressive and quick to act out...i have to purse my lips...and not share my thoughts. violence is a cycle. if you learn it at home you will repeat it out of the home. and i look at this beautiful girl who has the world ahead of her and she has been beaten down. given the message over and over again that she's worthless. no good. unloveable. and then when her mother comes back with affection...she gets confused. and then she perpetuates this cycle in her life...through promiscuity...living what she's been taught. and then she is beaten for that.
there is no discourse. there is no deep delving into the issues at hand. there is violence. and anger. and it's becoming...at least for today...incredibly hard to swallow. i love the career path i have chosen. the work that i am doing here assures me that this is the work i have been called to do. but days like today...i wish i had a different perspective...a different group of kids. or...now that i think about it...i wish more that i could expose these kids to what "normal" feels like. what it's like to be heard and appreciated and loved and respected. what it's like to be disciplined in a way that makes sense...a way that you can grow and learn from. discipline from love not anger or fear.
i know i will not make the change i sought when i first came. i will not change the structure or the social setting. i will not change people's speech or belief in corporal punishment. but i hope...i pray that i will help these kids change the way they see themselves. and change the cycle that has taught them they are less than and worth nothing more than aggression. i pray that they will choose a different route than the one presented to them so that they may be the agent of change everyone talks about but does nothing about.

softening corners...

it's been a while. which unfortunately is also indicative of my yoga practice. i was on quite good there for a while but then about two weeks ago i started having pretty severe back pain. it's nothing new...i've struggled with back pain for a while but this was a new sensation. i spent a good portion of a week delving into slow, silent, meditative practices trying to decipher and decode whatever the message was behind the pain but to no avail...or so i thought. it appears the main issue is flexibility...if i push too far in one direction..the other gets stuck...and vice versa. i always find the physical manifestation of things quite interesting. i am definitely one of those people who believes most everything that shows up physically has emotional and spiritual dimensions to it. maybe i read too much into it but so far every time i have had an illness, an ache, a pain...it has always led me to some deeper understanding of myself. and in this case...life. i can't quite gauge why or when the pain started...only that it showed up in the midst of a deep practice...and caused me to sit in meditation for a long time after the asana trying to tap into what was going on.
as i said...this has been going on for a while but is more intense and in a different light than it has ever been before. the main focus seems to be balance...cultivating balance in movement, thought, intention, work. so last week was our mid service training for peace corps. my entire group that i arrived with was on saint lucia for a week long gathering of inspiration, creation, intention all culminating in an end balance that seemed to bring everything full circle. at least to this point. we stayed in a really nice hotel with hot water and nice beds and good food...but in the heart of rodney bay which is the most touristy area one could find in saint lucia. so here we are...service workers living by simple means thrust into the role of tourist...the exact role we have worked to avoid...the label we have eschewed for over a year. balance.
but the balance didn't come...at least for me...until it was all said and done. i was well aware that i was not assuming the role of "that white girl" while in rodney bay, my neighborhood, for the week. i was any white girl. i was anonymous...unassuming. even though i ran into people i knew around every corner. even though my home is only a stones throw away...i shed the cloak i have worn for the last year and a half and slipped into america. it was odd. but when i came home friday afternoon, the reality of who i am and where i am washed back over me. about halfway up the road that leads home..the scents became familiar and the sounds brought me back. balance.
i would be joking if i said i didn't struggle for a day or two...the rush of ants and mosquitoes that didn't seem to exist at the hotel...the cold, cold showers, the sunken in bed....the lack of inspirational, deeply philosophical conversation...the silence. it took me a series of long, deep breaths by the beach in solitude before i was able to begin to snap back into me. here. in saint lucia. and with that awareness also came a new awakening...of how far i have come...how far all of these people i can truly call my friends...my family...have come here in the eastern caribbean. we have become balance. teetering between two worlds with the ability to exist softly in either while pushing back deeply in each. balance.
so back. back...i had another physical therapy session today. where i had accupuncture. and it opened up some of that energy that has been stagnant. the energy that has been stuck between two worlds...that of then and now. i know i still have a lot of work to do...but the journey...and the ability to teeter softly may elicit just the right balance i need to bend back when needed or push forward when it's right. balance.
i hope the healing of pain continues so that i may come back to my mat...and begin again with a thirty day challenge...and a new awareness of what i have yet to find.

nine....

suuuuupermooooon. how apropos that today is the scorpio supermoon. on a saturday. for sarah. :)
i just finished a nice afternoon practice. good way to begin the upcoming afternoon of chores. it's amazing to me how as this journey continues...things keep falling deeper and deeper into place. i have been feeling the synchronicity more and more...and though i know it is always there...it's not always the case that i am tapped in or aware of the seamless fluidity of the events of my life. there was a time when i was so connected...when at the exact moment i needed them the right person would show up...or the phone would ring...or i would find the missing piece of the puzzle. but lately...for quite some time honestly...those events haven't been syncing up. life has been occurring and it's been great...but it's been missing that mystical piece...until recently.

so this morning i knew i wanted to do a more gentle practice...and i knew that it was the scorpio supermoon which is bringing with it all sorts of emotions and openings and triggers and boldness...so i wanted to honor that piece of me and deeply connect to my own personal emotional state and/or baggage. seems like what you should do for a supermoon right? so i found a practice entitled 'emotions...let em' flow.' and it was perfect. the entire practice related to deep holds, deep breaths, and deep awareness. really tapping in to what it is you are feeling physically...but then going deeper into the emotional message behind that. what is there? what do you find? what do you feel? can you let it go? can you allow the breath to move you deeper into yourself and deeper into trust and opening so that you may let go and let god in a way that no matter what occurs, no matter what comes your way...you know you are supported?

i feel so grateful for the practice of yoga...and for this commitment i have made to bring it back into my life. the things i am finding in myself...the lessons i am remembering and re-challenging myself on...are the same questions and ideas that brought me to the peace corps and into a life of selfless service. i have been missing the selfless part...allowing myself to let go and serve through spirit. i have been serving but without the essential element that makes it true...that honors love and one another. the awarenesses that are occurring daily through each practice are not only bringing me back to the path of self...but teaching me...reminding me how to gently honor each individual and where they are on their path. because we each have this light in us...we each have the ability to find our way to our essence and truth...but only when we are living from our deepest connectedness to that source are we truly able to affect one another. only then does opening a random book bring us the message we have been needing...or at least the awareness that message was meant for us...at this time.

seven...(3.5.2012)

i had planned to do a yoga podcast tonight...let someone else lead me so i wouldn't have to think about the poses i was doing...for some reason i had it in my head that i wanted to do arm balances...wanted to strengthen myself and work through a challenging practice. my body had other ideas...let me regress for a minute. one of the main reasons i decided to begin this challenge was because i was finding a disconnect between myself and my spirit...my faith...the universe. i found that while i am going through the daily motions and trying to work deeply with the girls at upton gardens...i am only going through the motions. the deep level of understanding and connectedness was missing. i know from experience that i am only in that mindset and heart space when i am consistently stepping onto my mat. the other reason was because of my own emotional...rather lack of emotional...space that i have been sitting in for a while. while there are things happening...monumental, trying, difficult, exuberant...life changing things...happening all around me...i am almost storing them and not experiencing them. i can physically feel the weight of my world in my body..and i can feel it pulling me down. i know again from experience the only way to allow all of these emotions to be is to step onto my mat...and delve deeply into my breath and the opening that may bring...in whatever direction.
so tonight...when i was searching for a podcast...for a voice that i would connect with...i found none but my own. my own internal guide telling me to step on my mat...and flow. don't think...just allow. don't fight...just breathe. so i put on some good music and began my practice. what i found was that while in the beginning i was  one step ahead of myself...trying to figure out what should come next...where should i be going...how to counterbalance...slowly...i let go. slowly...the future and the past....the linkages and the steps weren't important...the present moment was all that mattered. the current breath was the only focus. and so i began to flow. and from that space i created. ultimate, open, creativity...from deep within. through pain and conflict to joy and resolution.
when i stepped off my mat...and looked at the clock...it was 9.15. i had just lost myself in a 2 hour practice. no concept of where i was headed...no concern for what might occur when i get there...just honest, open intention for the present moment and whatever emotions or challenges might come up in that space. and as they came...they went. and i found a renewed sense of not only myself but my connection to god...and to all that is. and so...i remembered.
and tonight i will sleep with a deep sense of gratitude and peace for i have once again connected to the source...and feel the true honest love that comes with that knowing.

six...

one of the things i love most about yoga is that when i am consistently practicing...the world is practicing with me. when i soften the world softens...as within...so without...i said i would post daily...or maybe i said almost daily...so let's play a little catch up...on my monday morning trip through castries...i found the battle field just as i had left it but my spirit seemed to walk a little quieter...the roar of the chaos seemed a little gentler. in the moments when the growl began to rise...i remembered my morning practice and a sense of knowing washed over me...while yoga is a personal practice, it radiates out to everyone and everything because it's essence is union.uniting breath, body, movement, space, energy, the little self and the big self, the unknown and the known, you and i, we... so even while i am at battle in a world that is not my own...i am still deeply and intricately connected to every soul i pass.
during this mornings preparation for the battle field, i was offered a ride straight to the gate of upton gardens by a kind young man from india. wednesdays i teach yoga at a secondary school, so i'm not sure if it was the mat in hand or the enlightened aura i had surrounding me that enticed him to give me such a lift...but it was greatly appreciated and left me with a renewed sense of connectedness to all that is. it is rare that i get a ride to work via anything but the bus...and this morning i was running a little late so it was odd that i didn't notice the bus that had passed me and was four vehicles in front of us. as he pointed this out it became apparent to me that i have stepped back into the flow. it's been a long time since i have been here...the place i was before i stepped on the plane to come to saint lucia...the world of synchronicity and heightened awareness. the complete and ultimate connectedness and trust in the universal order and flow of things. the union of what is.
needless to say my consistency in commitment is paying off. on a grand...esoteric scale. this last year of my peace corps service will be one in which i try to hinge all of the tools in my box into some sort of meaningful purpose that will move me on to the next phase of this journey. in these last six days i have been reminded of the depths of my soul...the offerings i have and the impact i asked to make on this world. as i continue this thirty day journey...i will continue to draw inward and look to all the pieces so that this life of service i have committed myself to will know no boundaries and may push me even further than i had ever imagined.
this yoga thing...there's something to it.
so much love and gratitude. all ways.

sweeet...sweeeeet...

i am inspired. the simple act of stepping on my mat three days in a row has given me a renewed sense of self...a renewed sense of purpose. i have reconnected with it...whatever it is...and feel like finally...i am tapping back into the source. that being said i have decided to commit myself to a 30 days of yoga in 30 days challenge. i am currently on day three. day three brought me to a woman's home this morning via my boyfriend which assured me that my commitment is perfectly placed. she invited me into her home while the boys harvested her property for mangoes, sugar cane, calabash, bananas, and herbs. the minute i walked in something clicked. in the entry way was a laughing buddha...arms raised in welcome. her friend was receiving a massage on the porch overlooking the sea while meditation music played as the backdrop. there were ancient carvings, gongs, hard wood floors, and a bookshelf full of energy and inspiration. books on chakras, books on energy work, books on yoga, meditation, power of attraction...books upon books upon books of my history...my truth...my essence. as i sat with this woman..sybil...i realized that i had just tapped into the vein of saint lucia i have been longing for over the course of the year.
something magical is happening in this 2012. something auspicious and awakening. i have lived out the last twenty years of my life in the year i have been in saint lucia. i have repeatedly been pushed up against my former self...my challenged self...my lost self time and time again. i have re-discovered, re-examined, re-evaluated, and re-learned every aspect of who and why and how i am. if you believe in karma...which i do...i have managed to effectively (at least i hope) work through all of the karmic debt i have brought upon myself through the former years of my life. and somehow...in the ending of the fourth month of 2012 i am healing, releasing, and finding a greater opening to god and myself than i have ever known.
so with the three days of yoga and conscious commitment it has brought to my own well-being i have decided to seal the deal with 30 days of transformation. my goal is to post most days regarding my awareness, my struggles, my downfalls, and essentially what my practice consisted of that day.
so far i have engaged in two deep vinyasa practices, a yoga nidra practice, and a 20 min vinyasa flow. in the midst of each of these practices i have felt my body and my breath in a way that i haven't in a long time. i have been absorbed in my life in the peace corps in an unconscious way. i have been working...pushing...struggling...but not flowing. i am opening to the flow. remembering what it is to be in my body connected through my heart and my spirit. i am remembering what it is to be aligned with my truth and what it was that brought me here in the first place. i am waking up...consciously. no longer drifting through the sea of saint lucia with uncertainty.
that being said...tomorrow i have to make my way through castries and up cedars to get to work. which is similar to going to battle...struggling to get through eons of people walking in every direction with noises and sounds and chaos around every corner. so we'll see how i take my three days of practice into the world.
i know this much...now that i've found you again old friend...i am going to take my time remembering every corner of your being and exploring every cell i have yet to know.
thank you god for the practice of yoga. and for everyone who has inspired me along the way.
see you again tomorrow with an update of my yoga challenge and my morning commute.
all love. all ways.