softening corners...

it's been a while. which unfortunately is also indicative of my yoga practice. i was on quite good there for a while but then about two weeks ago i started having pretty severe back pain. it's nothing new...i've struggled with back pain for a while but this was a new sensation. i spent a good portion of a week delving into slow, silent, meditative practices trying to decipher and decode whatever the message was behind the pain but to no avail...or so i thought. it appears the main issue is flexibility...if i push too far in one direction..the other gets stuck...and vice versa. i always find the physical manifestation of things quite interesting. i am definitely one of those people who believes most everything that shows up physically has emotional and spiritual dimensions to it. maybe i read too much into it but so far every time i have had an illness, an ache, a pain...it has always led me to some deeper understanding of myself. and in this case...life. i can't quite gauge why or when the pain started...only that it showed up in the midst of a deep practice...and caused me to sit in meditation for a long time after the asana trying to tap into what was going on.
as i said...this has been going on for a while but is more intense and in a different light than it has ever been before. the main focus seems to be balance...cultivating balance in movement, thought, intention, work. so last week was our mid service training for peace corps. my entire group that i arrived with was on saint lucia for a week long gathering of inspiration, creation, intention all culminating in an end balance that seemed to bring everything full circle. at least to this point. we stayed in a really nice hotel with hot water and nice beds and good food...but in the heart of rodney bay which is the most touristy area one could find in saint lucia. so here we are...service workers living by simple means thrust into the role of tourist...the exact role we have worked to avoid...the label we have eschewed for over a year. balance.
but the balance didn't come...at least for me...until it was all said and done. i was well aware that i was not assuming the role of "that white girl" while in rodney bay, my neighborhood, for the week. i was any white girl. i was anonymous...unassuming. even though i ran into people i knew around every corner. even though my home is only a stones throw away...i shed the cloak i have worn for the last year and a half and slipped into america. it was odd. but when i came home friday afternoon, the reality of who i am and where i am washed back over me. about halfway up the road that leads home..the scents became familiar and the sounds brought me back. balance.
i would be joking if i said i didn't struggle for a day or two...the rush of ants and mosquitoes that didn't seem to exist at the hotel...the cold, cold showers, the sunken in bed....the lack of inspirational, deeply philosophical conversation...the silence. it took me a series of long, deep breaths by the beach in solitude before i was able to begin to snap back into me. here. in saint lucia. and with that awareness also came a new awakening...of how far i have come...how far all of these people i can truly call my friends...my family...have come here in the eastern caribbean. we have become balance. teetering between two worlds with the ability to exist softly in either while pushing back deeply in each. balance.
so back. back...i had another physical therapy session today. where i had accupuncture. and it opened up some of that energy that has been stagnant. the energy that has been stuck between two worlds...that of then and now. i know i still have a lot of work to do...but the journey...and the ability to teeter softly may elicit just the right balance i need to bend back when needed or push forward when it's right. balance.
i hope the healing of pain continues so that i may come back to my mat...and begin again with a thirty day challenge...and a new awareness of what i have yet to find.

nine....

suuuuupermooooon. how apropos that today is the scorpio supermoon. on a saturday. for sarah. :)
i just finished a nice afternoon practice. good way to begin the upcoming afternoon of chores. it's amazing to me how as this journey continues...things keep falling deeper and deeper into place. i have been feeling the synchronicity more and more...and though i know it is always there...it's not always the case that i am tapped in or aware of the seamless fluidity of the events of my life. there was a time when i was so connected...when at the exact moment i needed them the right person would show up...or the phone would ring...or i would find the missing piece of the puzzle. but lately...for quite some time honestly...those events haven't been syncing up. life has been occurring and it's been great...but it's been missing that mystical piece...until recently.

so this morning i knew i wanted to do a more gentle practice...and i knew that it was the scorpio supermoon which is bringing with it all sorts of emotions and openings and triggers and boldness...so i wanted to honor that piece of me and deeply connect to my own personal emotional state and/or baggage. seems like what you should do for a supermoon right? so i found a practice entitled 'emotions...let em' flow.' and it was perfect. the entire practice related to deep holds, deep breaths, and deep awareness. really tapping in to what it is you are feeling physically...but then going deeper into the emotional message behind that. what is there? what do you find? what do you feel? can you let it go? can you allow the breath to move you deeper into yourself and deeper into trust and opening so that you may let go and let god in a way that no matter what occurs, no matter what comes your way...you know you are supported?

i feel so grateful for the practice of yoga...and for this commitment i have made to bring it back into my life. the things i am finding in myself...the lessons i am remembering and re-challenging myself on...are the same questions and ideas that brought me to the peace corps and into a life of selfless service. i have been missing the selfless part...allowing myself to let go and serve through spirit. i have been serving but without the essential element that makes it true...that honors love and one another. the awarenesses that are occurring daily through each practice are not only bringing me back to the path of self...but teaching me...reminding me how to gently honor each individual and where they are on their path. because we each have this light in us...we each have the ability to find our way to our essence and truth...but only when we are living from our deepest connectedness to that source are we truly able to affect one another. only then does opening a random book bring us the message we have been needing...or at least the awareness that message was meant for us...at this time.

seven...(3.5.2012)

i had planned to do a yoga podcast tonight...let someone else lead me so i wouldn't have to think about the poses i was doing...for some reason i had it in my head that i wanted to do arm balances...wanted to strengthen myself and work through a challenging practice. my body had other ideas...let me regress for a minute. one of the main reasons i decided to begin this challenge was because i was finding a disconnect between myself and my spirit...my faith...the universe. i found that while i am going through the daily motions and trying to work deeply with the girls at upton gardens...i am only going through the motions. the deep level of understanding and connectedness was missing. i know from experience that i am only in that mindset and heart space when i am consistently stepping onto my mat. the other reason was because of my own emotional...rather lack of emotional...space that i have been sitting in for a while. while there are things happening...monumental, trying, difficult, exuberant...life changing things...happening all around me...i am almost storing them and not experiencing them. i can physically feel the weight of my world in my body..and i can feel it pulling me down. i know again from experience the only way to allow all of these emotions to be is to step onto my mat...and delve deeply into my breath and the opening that may bring...in whatever direction.
so tonight...when i was searching for a podcast...for a voice that i would connect with...i found none but my own. my own internal guide telling me to step on my mat...and flow. don't think...just allow. don't fight...just breathe. so i put on some good music and began my practice. what i found was that while in the beginning i was  one step ahead of myself...trying to figure out what should come next...where should i be going...how to counterbalance...slowly...i let go. slowly...the future and the past....the linkages and the steps weren't important...the present moment was all that mattered. the current breath was the only focus. and so i began to flow. and from that space i created. ultimate, open, creativity...from deep within. through pain and conflict to joy and resolution.
when i stepped off my mat...and looked at the clock...it was 9.15. i had just lost myself in a 2 hour practice. no concept of where i was headed...no concern for what might occur when i get there...just honest, open intention for the present moment and whatever emotions or challenges might come up in that space. and as they came...they went. and i found a renewed sense of not only myself but my connection to god...and to all that is. and so...i remembered.
and tonight i will sleep with a deep sense of gratitude and peace for i have once again connected to the source...and feel the true honest love that comes with that knowing.

six...

one of the things i love most about yoga is that when i am consistently practicing...the world is practicing with me. when i soften the world softens...as within...so without...i said i would post daily...or maybe i said almost daily...so let's play a little catch up...on my monday morning trip through castries...i found the battle field just as i had left it but my spirit seemed to walk a little quieter...the roar of the chaos seemed a little gentler. in the moments when the growl began to rise...i remembered my morning practice and a sense of knowing washed over me...while yoga is a personal practice, it radiates out to everyone and everything because it's essence is union.uniting breath, body, movement, space, energy, the little self and the big self, the unknown and the known, you and i, we... so even while i am at battle in a world that is not my own...i am still deeply and intricately connected to every soul i pass.
during this mornings preparation for the battle field, i was offered a ride straight to the gate of upton gardens by a kind young man from india. wednesdays i teach yoga at a secondary school, so i'm not sure if it was the mat in hand or the enlightened aura i had surrounding me that enticed him to give me such a lift...but it was greatly appreciated and left me with a renewed sense of connectedness to all that is. it is rare that i get a ride to work via anything but the bus...and this morning i was running a little late so it was odd that i didn't notice the bus that had passed me and was four vehicles in front of us. as he pointed this out it became apparent to me that i have stepped back into the flow. it's been a long time since i have been here...the place i was before i stepped on the plane to come to saint lucia...the world of synchronicity and heightened awareness. the complete and ultimate connectedness and trust in the universal order and flow of things. the union of what is.
needless to say my consistency in commitment is paying off. on a grand...esoteric scale. this last year of my peace corps service will be one in which i try to hinge all of the tools in my box into some sort of meaningful purpose that will move me on to the next phase of this journey. in these last six days i have been reminded of the depths of my soul...the offerings i have and the impact i asked to make on this world. as i continue this thirty day journey...i will continue to draw inward and look to all the pieces so that this life of service i have committed myself to will know no boundaries and may push me even further than i had ever imagined.
this yoga thing...there's something to it.
so much love and gratitude. all ways.

sweeet...sweeeeet...

i am inspired. the simple act of stepping on my mat three days in a row has given me a renewed sense of self...a renewed sense of purpose. i have reconnected with it...whatever it is...and feel like finally...i am tapping back into the source. that being said i have decided to commit myself to a 30 days of yoga in 30 days challenge. i am currently on day three. day three brought me to a woman's home this morning via my boyfriend which assured me that my commitment is perfectly placed. she invited me into her home while the boys harvested her property for mangoes, sugar cane, calabash, bananas, and herbs. the minute i walked in something clicked. in the entry way was a laughing buddha...arms raised in welcome. her friend was receiving a massage on the porch overlooking the sea while meditation music played as the backdrop. there were ancient carvings, gongs, hard wood floors, and a bookshelf full of energy and inspiration. books on chakras, books on energy work, books on yoga, meditation, power of attraction...books upon books upon books of my history...my truth...my essence. as i sat with this woman..sybil...i realized that i had just tapped into the vein of saint lucia i have been longing for over the course of the year.
something magical is happening in this 2012. something auspicious and awakening. i have lived out the last twenty years of my life in the year i have been in saint lucia. i have repeatedly been pushed up against my former self...my challenged self...my lost self time and time again. i have re-discovered, re-examined, re-evaluated, and re-learned every aspect of who and why and how i am. if you believe in karma...which i do...i have managed to effectively (at least i hope) work through all of the karmic debt i have brought upon myself through the former years of my life. and somehow...in the ending of the fourth month of 2012 i am healing, releasing, and finding a greater opening to god and myself than i have ever known.
so with the three days of yoga and conscious commitment it has brought to my own well-being i have decided to seal the deal with 30 days of transformation. my goal is to post most days regarding my awareness, my struggles, my downfalls, and essentially what my practice consisted of that day.
so far i have engaged in two deep vinyasa practices, a yoga nidra practice, and a 20 min vinyasa flow. in the midst of each of these practices i have felt my body and my breath in a way that i haven't in a long time. i have been absorbed in my life in the peace corps in an unconscious way. i have been working...pushing...struggling...but not flowing. i am opening to the flow. remembering what it is to be in my body connected through my heart and my spirit. i am remembering what it is to be aligned with my truth and what it was that brought me here in the first place. i am waking up...consciously. no longer drifting through the sea of saint lucia with uncertainty.
that being said...tomorrow i have to make my way through castries and up cedars to get to work. which is similar to going to battle...struggling to get through eons of people walking in every direction with noises and sounds and chaos around every corner. so we'll see how i take my three days of practice into the world.
i know this much...now that i've found you again old friend...i am going to take my time remembering every corner of your being and exploring every cell i have yet to know.
thank you god for the practice of yoga. and for everyone who has inspired me along the way.
see you again tomorrow with an update of my yoga challenge and my morning commute.
all love. all ways.

mah. babies.

date night...

tonight i had one of the most incredible and important dates of my life. it was with one of my oldest and dearest and closest friends. the friend who taught me about living your truth and breathing your essence. the friend who reminded me that even in the darkest hours...there is still light. the friend who has always been there with me through sweat and tears and pain and grief and fear and wanting. the friend who has never given up on me no matter how many times i have walked away...disappeared...gotten lost. the friend who has always been and will always be the root of my soul.
tonight i stepped onto my yoga mat for the first time in a long time and i remembered the first time i ever stepped onto a mat. i remembered how yoga saved me when i was lost at sea without any idea how to reach shore. i remembered how yoga kept me adrift every time i slid backwards...every time i face planted into my own ego...my own disregard.
tonight i found myself. again. found my essence. my quiet truth. tonight i am quietly humbled.

turn that frown...

i am forever amazed at the lessons i learn about life through my every day interactions and experiences here in saint lucia. i am doing a lot of personal work and growth while i am here...growth that i thought i had already reached but is now lengthening tenfold. i am settling into my life at upton gardens quite nicely. and with the administrator resigning...i will be spending a day at court diversion once per week when they re-open. i am feeling like everything has finally found it's settling spot and i am really excited about the possible progress that can be made through both organizations. upton gardens is really putting me back into my professionally trained brain and allowing me to exercise my knowledge and skills as a psychologist. it feels so good to be able to connect on that level in an environment where i am not only supported but my expertise are expected and honored. i have been getting better acquainted with the girls day by day and feel like i am finally starting to settle a little myself so that my own personality and isms can shine through. today was a perfect example of my skills/self shining through and even more...one of those important life lessons in humility and grace.
every day at uptons we eat lunch with the girls. we being myself and another volunteer and then usually a staff member. there is invariably, on any given day, some sort of conflict or trouble that arises between two or more girls. today was no different. before lunch began i was having a conversation with j who is about to graduate. a simple conversation about my nail polish...she was smiling and we were in a really good space. out of nowhere l tells n to move to another table...which gets n upset at which point s butts in with an "eh eh" which causes j to fly words at s. did you follow that? yeah...basically a bunch of nonsense. so within a fifteen second span...attitudes and faces shifted. all of a sudden j who was in a perfectly fine mood was incredibly irritated and upset by an issue which had nothing to do with her. so...i stepped in...after staff involvement and asked her...what is the point of that...to which she replied...but s is always getting in everybody's business...so what does that have to do with you...well...i mean...it's just not right...but again i ask...what does that have to do with you? you were here all smiles having a conversation with me and now your face is all screw and your whole mood has changed. you've got to let it go. put that smile back on and let it go...it's not your battle to fight. and in that moment i saw something really amazing happen. this girl..j...she brushed her shoulders off...let go and moved on. while s...carried her negative attitude and frustration through the whole of lunch.
now...this might not mean much but it's the life lesson i have been working on lately...allowing things to pass. not becoming so emotionally invested or diverted by someone else's stuff. whatever it is...whether rudeness on a bus or a sideways comment from a friend...it's not my battle to fight. and it takes up so much energy. so to watch the difference as one girl let go and enjoyed her lunch and engaged in jovial conversation while another sat angry and unbending...made me realize how much the power is in us to let go and let love. every minute of every day we choose how to react to the situations placed before us and each one of those choices greatly affects the next....
so...as the universe is such a powerful teacher...very shortly after i was given my opportunity to put this lesson into effect. when i arrived home...sweaty and thirsty and tired...longing to come in the house and throw on my suit and go for a quick swim...i realized my keys were locked inside the house and sitting on top of the fridge. i could see them...but had no idea how to reach them. i guess i would be making a trip up to gros islet to get an extra...but here's the piece...i was hot and tired...i could have become incredibly cranky and angry...but i didn't. and it wasn't even much of a thought. i sat down...ate a mango...cooled off and devised a plan. shove my bag in the house...go up to gros islet. on my way to the bus stop i ran into a friend whom i shared my dilemma with. he promptly told me i didn't need to go all the way up north...i could just go ask one of the neighbors to give me a mango picking stick and get them myself...genius. he definitely gets wednesday's hero award...which he will have to share with the next guy across the street from me who made a long tool for me to retrieve my keys with. so i came back across the street and within about ten seconds had my keys in hand and door unlocked. all the while with a smile on my face and an even greater feeling that i had just accomplished that with the help of others. and without getting upset or irritated.
so...these are my lessons for today...always keep a smile on your face. it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. thus exertion of more energy. never get upset by adversity because out of adversity many times comes creative strokes of genius. and always befriend your neighbors...you never know what kind of knowledge you may have to share with one another.
and when i retrieved those keys...the first song in my head....

i love my life. bless up!!!

2012.

paradigm shift. something amazing is happening.

determination can move mountains...

yesterday i hiked gros piton. which is one of two side by side mountains on the southern coast. they were my first vision of saint lucia when i was flying in to begin my two years..

.i thought it apropos that i should climb one almost a year after my official swearing in date. though this wasn't necessarily a forethought. i was told by quite a few friends who had already climed this mountain that it was quite an easy hike and didn't really require too much effort...so now...this is either the first time i am feeling my age, the first time i have ever been this out of shape in my life...or they were lying. first let me start by saying that the initial tromp to the trailhead proved to be a little more of an adventure than expected. my friend bethany and i

jumped on the soufriere bus only to find that the road to soufriere was closed and we would have to pay extra to take that bus around the other side of the island to get to where we were going...later we realized we could have taken a different bus to get us there and in less time...but i regess...so the bus finally leaves and we are on our way...when we reach our destination...so we think...we are dropped at the road leading to the trailhead...which is two miles away. okay...no worries. it's a beautiful path and i have great company...so we walk and walk and walk...and then come across a seemingly 'crazy' man who is mumbling something about water, go that way, blah blah blah...so we laugh...and then about 100 feet ahead realize the crazy man was warning us of the huge gap in the road where the bridge had collapsed and you could not cross. ha ha...joke is on us...he knew exactly what he was saying. so we find an 'alternate' route which leads us to cross a creek while scaling a wall and almost collapsing. so the adventure begins. 

after our two mile trek we finally reach the gros piton station where we are met by our amazing guide curlin who will be taking us up the mountain. 

so off we go. it's hot. and i realize quickly into this hike that i will be doing a lot up uphill...climbing. i was winded and sweating and struggling. about halfway through my legs began shaking and i thought...i might not be able to do this. bethany was cruising up the mountain at which point i said...maybe this is part of being 34? before we reached the 300 year old mango tree...

i was having these conversations...what if i don't make it..i don't know if i can do this...what if i get stuck up here...man...i'm really thirsty...do we have enough water...then we got to the mango tree and something happened. i realized that i was pushing myself up that mountain. fighting to maintain a rapid pace rather than just enjoying myself and taking my time. i remembered when i was younger this was always a mission...challenge, push, see how fast and how far you can get. but on that mountain...something happened. i softened and quieted myself. i listened to that little voice inside of me that started to sing a different tune. i began to have these conversations...you are so blessed to have the strength and ability to climb this...take your time...enjoy the sounds and the sights...breathe...take each step in remembrance of those who cannot. 

and so i climbed. and i listened. and i breathed. deeply and purposefully. and i reached the top of gros piton with a new sense of myself and my spirit. and when i got to the top..i surely enjoyed a nice cold piton...

and enjoyed the view with my incredible friend...

before we began the hike back down...which by the way...was much, much easier. so thank you gros piton for giving me more than a great workout and a beautiful view but also yet another new perspective on saint lucia, on myself, and on this incredible journey we call life. 

the ides of...change...

march used to be the first month of the year and was named for the god of war. war brings change. the first is the beginning. and so it is. march.2012. happy new year.
this new year comes with change and growth in a positive direction. growth and occupation of new lands from war. i fought through 2011 and rounded it out apparently in the beginnings of 2012. but using march as my starting point i begin again. i have switched job sites after struggling for months to find footing and constantly slipping. it took a lot of soul searching and letting go to come to that decision because i have so much love and respect for the mission of the CDP and the kids there. but alas...i just couldn't quite find my niche and so i moved. i now find myself surrounded by a crew of girls with a variety of problems and so so so much love to give. while i am continuing my work with an at-risk population this one comes with a little more stability and thus better footing. it has taken me a short amount of time to find my ground and begin to step. and i am so fully supported in this mission. i have been building my own personal skill set and challenging my mind. i have been reading journal articles and searching treatment programs to leave an impression that may last and be meaningful. i have remembered that i am a psychologist. and a good one. a passionate one. an insightful one.
something strange has been happening to me over the past couple of days. i have settled. in a way that is indescribable to anyone who is not in this experience but in a way that is so magnificent and life changing. i am stretching myself and my skin...growing into the self i always projected myself to be. settled in a world that is not my own but is giving me the space and inspiration to fold into me. i am reconnecting with the true definition of me.

under.standing.

so there is this cycle in peace corps...it's the cycle of transition or something like that. it basically represents a roller coaster...the ups and downs you will have while in service...the honeymoon phase...the reality check...the grounding...the un-grounding...the recycling...something like that. there is an interesting piece of the cycle that i don't remember being built in to their diagram though that seems to be upon me. the clicking back into self.
i have spent a good part of the past year working to integrate, working to understand, working to not leave out one good morning, afternoon, or good night. i have worked to keep my head above water when i feel like i might sink and maintain an air of non-judgment and wide open wonder. i have worked. and then yesterday...i stopped working. i settled into me. the essence of me...as is.
i have spent the past week reconnecting with myself and my yoga practice. setting the alarm for 6 every morning and arising to the mat in order to ground and connect for the day ahead. in the midst of that week something has shifted me back into place. not to say that i have been un-authentic...but something has been happening on my mat that is bringing me back to my own core. my own essence. i have shed the wanting to...the desiring to...the needing to. i am here now. being. nothing more. nothing less.
i have been working so hard to understand how my ideals fit with the ideals of this culture. i have been working to bend and mold myself to the needs and desires of those around me. i have been working to fit and i finally realized there is no unlocking that needs to happen in the world around me. it's the world inside of me that needs to settle, relax, and breathe into what it is i am doing here. i am not here to be anyone but myself.
i have been humbled by the hierarchy of power. humbled by the lack of certainty in situations where i would traditionally 'know.' i have broken apart every piece of my soul and my being only to come back to the same internal fire and know...truth is truth. only when living from my own essence, my own truth, my own presence of being can i truly affect change.
this past year has been difficult for me in ways i never would have imagined...and 2012 started off quite rocky...but this shift that is happening in me is bringing me back. it's not some divine intervention that is changing my ways...it is reminding me of my ways. it is bringing me back to myself. my. self. and my connection to god and all that is. peace corps...you have no idea the ways in which this experience has affected me and shaped me and reminded me to be.
i have nothing but the utmost gratitude for yoga. for you truly are the union of self. the union of spirit. the unifying connection to all that is. the greatest lesson i have learned over this past year...my true form...my true nature...my true self is the one that is already integrated into all communities...because it is the connection to humanity. only when we stop and listen and breathe are we reminded of how essential that essence is.

and then there was this. in my morning yoga practice this beautiful creature was in my field of vision.

which apparently means this (if you are into this kind of stuff...which i am):

There is nothing more magnificent than the power of the horse. Horses are truly the bridge between the world of heaven and the world of earth. Throughout time, horses have been associated with strength, victory, nobility, freedom, movement, wisdom and guidance. The horse is the faithful companion. His dedication and affection bring courage and valor. He represents the fire within you. He is your guide, constantly carrying you on your path.


And since our practice this morning he has been faithfully standing outside my gate. I love my life. 

CDP...live it...love it...learn it...

honestly...2012...

honest to god's truth...2012 has not started out so solid for me. i was under the impression that this was the year of enlightenment..the year of a collective conscious shift...but unless those things also come with dengue and slip and falls...it seems it might be the year of unfortunate mishaps. granted...it's only just begun...and slip and falls come with rain...which create more mosquitoes...which carry dengue...but it still seems a bad omen of sorts.
or maybe it's the fact that we are in the year of the water dragon. sounds like a passive kind of dragon but as was pointed out to me...water is torturous on land and has done such grave things as create the grand canyon...so maybe the water in water dragon isn't so passive after all.
or maybe all of these things simply exist to light more fire into a wavering peace corps soul. the tiny development worker who enters with such high hopes only to be slowly whittled away into a shell of what her grand ideas once ignited. maybe they exist as the greatest challenge of all. what do we really do in the face of adversity?
here i am in one of the most adverse situations i have ever been in my life. a seemingly benign culture and existence that by all measures appear full of daily lounges on the beach and afternoon cocktails. but whose underbelly is full of neglect and dissonance and strife and fear. full of the struggles of daily life and rising food prices and weeks without gas to cook with. full of teenage pregnancies and lack of desire to prevent such things from happening. full of empty promises from those in power and open hands of those in waiting.
this year in saint lucia has touched me and pushed me in a million directions and stripped me to the core. this essence of who i thought i was has been confronted with who i would like to be a million times over. i thought i was the one who would speak up, speak out. i find i am now the one who sits back and watches...wondering if i should question. i thought i had immeasurable strength and i find many days when it becomes difficult to even lift my heart in gratitude. i thought i had connection to source...to life...to light...and i find myself seeking solace and peace in every passing glance.
i am not sure why 2012 has started out as such a struggle...but i am looking forward to moving through this year fluidly and finding out what is on the other end of this dragon's tail.

it's in the strangest of places you get shown the light...

it's a new year. a new you. an entirely new chance to dive in, think deeper, work harder, grow faster, play longer. i know with every ounce of my soul that 2012 is going to be a year to remember. a year of firsts, of lasts, and everything in between. my first day back at work this year started off in a rather phenomenal way. we are currently in the process of re-directing our program and doing a huge recruitment drive at the same time. we have been having meeting after meeting to secure the arts as well as walk after walk to secure the participants. our focus at the cdp is performing arts but until now has only consisted of one 'performing arts' class twice a week. with a little cooperation and motivation we are now seeking to add dance and music and theater to the table. we have begun networking and building inside our own community and outside to the community at large in order to create a program that will not only touch the lives of the kids that we affect but hopefully the lives of all they come in contact with. and we are doing so at the grassroots level. in every sense of the word.
let me take a step back. on thursday we went on a recruitment drive to marchand. marchand is a community in st lucia that has a number of nooks and crannies. it resides in the castries basin and is home to a lot of kids sitting 'on the block' with nothing to do all day but smoke herb and contemplate the fact that there is nothing to do. we went as a posse. as the cdp posse. 7 deep rolling through the ghettos looking for kids to recruit into a program that may, if nothing else, give them something to do other that sit around wondering. while we wandered and were looked upon i began to wonder if this was really the best approach. as we went to each set of guys, and girls, on the block it became more and more apparent that our program which exists for youth ages 12-19 would not suffice their 20+ souls....yet in the midst of that realization came another. as they discussed with us their perils, the needs of these guys began to shine. they began to express their desire to read,  to work, to lead...and their distress at the lack of opportunities to do so. the deeper we got into each concrete jungle the deeper my impression became of the other side of st lucia. the side that doesn't have a voice. the side that is discounted and turned away.
as we walked through an area known as jerusalem, with it's babbling creek and incredible personality, i realized how deprived we are of seeing the essence and truth of life. on the day to day we walk through the world having and wanting. yet if you stop, even for a second, you will see the balance and strength of humanity. around every corner in these ghettos was someone with an idea, with an inspiration, with more sense than most of those i hear on a daily basis. and they are 'locked away' in their ghetto, never leaving to be exposed to the 'greater world' but holding so much beauty and truth and space on their own it's no wonder they never leave. don't get me wrong....i also had my own realization of the other side of st lucia that is starved of resources and attention. but that starvation breeds creativity. it breeds ingenuity. it breeds survival in it's most primal and essential form.
and so i return to the cdp. here we have a group of kids who stretch out from these same environments and exude creativity. many of them academically challenged will dwarf the greatest masters in creativity. because it is their essence. it is the vein of their survival. and so this new term in our program will hopefully allow these kids to recognize their essence in it's purest form and speak their truth from a place in which it has never been supported so much as to flourish. it's disappointing that people always look at those with less as deprived because they cannot "have" when their not having allows them to be so connected to what is that they have nothing else to do but be. as is.
it is only at the end of what will soon be my first year here in st lucia and in the peace corps that i begin to truly see what i have always felt. you can strip away all the possessions and the truth of the individual will come out. the "ghettos" are the breeding ground for humanity. they are the place where the human spirit truly thrives and survives. these are the places where the artist is born.

crossroads...

as i was walking to work this morning i had a quiet humbling experience. and it made me question not only myself but humanity as a whole. i was approaching the intersection by the church, which itself is almost telling, and there was a serious traffic backup due to an elderly man getting out of his ride and crossing the street...rather shuffling across the street. traffic was backed up in three directions as he shuffled slowly to make his way around the car and across the street. i walked by slowly taking note of his steps, the shakiness of his body, and the patience of the people in the vehicles that were paused due to his plight. as i passed and thought to myself that i should turn around and assist him across the road, i watched an elderly man, much his own stature link arms and help him cross. as i walked with a newfound smile on my face i watched as everyone sat in their car...waiting. in a place where people are constantly honking at each other for the slightest vehicular pause it was amazing to see no one get anxious or upset. i watched a woman standing next to a van explaining what was going on...and the world paused. the world paused for this man in this moment.

so i started to question myself. why did i have the desire to help him and yet not step to duty? why did we all watch, younger and more apt to assist, while another elderly gentleman stepped to his aid? it fed into the conversation i had once i got to work regarding st lucia as a whole and the plight of the youth here. how my co-worker has seen the attitude of his people become laissez-faire and complacent and how this has spread to the youth. how there is not a push to help each other rise and push each other to grow exponentially. how there are no heroes for kids to look up to. how we won't even stop to help an elderly man cross the street.

so it brought to light the fact that this year is coming to an end. a year that came with great expectations and wound out with longing to do more. so for this next year i vow to do everything in my power to extend my hand and heart in effort to connect and touch those around me. to push with an attitude of perseverance and dedication in order to affect the youth around me in a way that they may too push further and harder than they ever thought they could. i vow to help these kids be bigger, brighter, and fuller human beings so that they may then begin to affect those around them. and more than anything i promise that the next time i see someone shuffling across the street i step to their aid. i will not hesitate for fear. i will not live in fear. i will lead in love. and i will leave my mark in 2012.

happy holidays all. remember how fortunate we are to be.
in love and light.

from one home to another...

something magical has happened....well...not like leprechaun and unicorn magical...but magical nonetheless. this friday passed was my birthday. anyone who knows me knows this is a monumental earth changing event every year. because...let's face it...i'm kind of a big deal. so anyways...as this birthday approached i had high hopes of a huge party with a blend of lucian and american friends...something i wasn't sure i would pull off...and not sure anyone would even come to. i mean...this isn't my native land...soooo...i awoke friday morning with my standard i am awesome feeling but realized quickly it wouldn't be like a birthday back in the states where my phone is blowing up with birthday messages and good tidings. let's face it...first of all i have been through so many phones most people don't even know which number to use...and i don't know as many peeps here as back home. or so i thought. within moments of waking up my phone started going...with love and messages from my lucian family. wait...what?
all day i got texts and phone calls and emails from the people i am connected to here wishing me love and happiness. so i started to think...this is that magical moment i heard about...where you wake up one day and you realize...this is home. i am home. and so it was. as night came my group of friends from all around came over and ate and drank and joined me in what proved to be one of the most fun birthdays i have had to date. we even crashed a wedding...yes. really.

i say all of this not to remind you all of how awesome i am but to make this point....i am leaving today to go to north carolina. thanksgiving with some of my best friends and family. an annual event that is not to be missed. but as i pack my bag and get ready to go...there is a piece tugging at me to stay. a piece attached to this home and the people that make it so. i know when i land in the states i will feel a sense of calm and gratitude for the people i am soon about to hug and love and celebrate. but  i also know that piece i am leaving here will be tugging at me and calling to come back home. what a beautiful thing to have two homes in completely different worlds. full of love and light and beauty.

thank you st lucia for making a spot for me.

ode to october

dear october.
you were tough. you gave me way more than i could have ever bargained for and left me longing for november. not just because november is my birth month, not just because november sends me on a trip home, not just because november comes with the leonid meteor showers...but because you seemingly carried five years worth of life lessons in your thirty-one days. life lessons i haven't even begun to grasp or understand but ones that i know without a doubt will leave me a bigger, better, more loving, kinder human being. once i get on the other side of them. which i hope will be here...with you november. and the beginning of a new year for me.
a new year. new light. new life. new perspective.
welcome. and october...good riddance...please don't come hard like that next year or you aren't invited to 2012.
much love and blessings.

some recent views...

where are we going...

it's been so long since i have written...anything. it's not for lack of things to write about...more for contentment, contempt, and all things in between. the struggle of daily life sometimes seems so full that i tend to forget that right down the street from me is a beautiful beach that will quickly put all things back into perspective. as it did today...
so i write. right.
the past few months have come with struggle. a new term began at the court diversion program and with it some difficulties that have still not smoothed themselves out. we have some of the same kids that have returned and some new that have arrived. it is definitely the case that 3 months away from the structure of the program undid some of what was done...but interestingly most of the returning kids seem to have bounced back or are working on bouncing back. i am seeing more hurt and pain and suffering in the kids this time around. i don't know if it's because i know them better, because i am leading my own classes, or because they truly are suffering more now than then. either way it's proving to be a bit more challenging and with that comes uncertainty of self and on most days a distinct wondering if i know what i am doing. so i guess i too have come a little undone from the summer.
the books are supposed to arrive this week and probably one of the most profound experiences i have had thus far is teaching a couple of boys how to read. it's tangible so i can chart progress and feel like i can see some of the good i am doing. so i am clearly really excited for some reading material to come in to make that adventure a little more interesting. the rest of the work that i am doing is intangible counseling work which never really seems to be taking much form and leaves me reminding myself daily that i may never see the fruits of that labor. but i try. and that's really all i can do. there are so many barriers in working with these kids and trying to get them to go deep into themselves. the largest of which is they do not live in a society that promotes free, constructive, critical thought so it's kind of like pulling a rabbit out of hat. it's frustrating and difficult but i keep trying.
i am constantly trying to come up with new ideas to bring discussion and critical thought into the classroom. recently i showed a video of sean corne, an amazing yoga teacher, giving a speech at occupy wall street. with kids who feel that fighting and violence are the only way to ever handle anything, i wanted to show them another option. and a huge one. it was so fascinating the variety of responses i got. the group of suspended school kids seemed to hold the least amount of ability to think or speak critically and were more interested in making fun of the asian woman in the audience or pointing out that there were black people there which made no sense to them. they couldn't grasp the concept of peaceful protesting and shared with me that it makes more sense to just attack or bomb people to deal with the issues that come up. when prompted why they felt this way they shared with me that all they know is violence...that's how people handle things in their world and that's all they have ever known. sad.
when i brought the video to the group of boys that are our kids...regulars who are committed to the program...it was an incredibly different discussion. they watched in awe of the size of new york city and the variety of people that were there. and then we had another discussion regarding how something like that would never happen here because all people do here is fight each other down. they will not join with their brother to lift him up because they are too concerned with lifting themselves up. they shared that the only way this would ever change is if people started to unite and work together to create jobs and change the country for the better. from the mouths of babes.
profoundly different conversations and experiences which impressed on me how deeply and quickly those kids have to grow up. they are forced to see the world through adult eyes from a young age. they are wise to the ways of the world and are so astutely observant of what is going on around them at all times. and no one listens. no one gives them a voice to speak out or speak up. so they fight. they struggle to find ways to be heard and seen by all those who are leaving them behind. and the truth is they are the future. and they have the ideas. but if they continue to be stifled it might be too late when someone is finally ready to listen.