letting go.

realizations of a wandered gypsy...there is always so much more to yourself than you ever thought you knew. i am beginning to see the effects and aspects this life is having on me. after numerous conversations with numerous people from numerous places i have realized that this experience is effectively shifting me to that place of quiet humility i had asked to connect to before i left home. it was in the space of a new year in a new place with a new awareness that i tapped into this quiet space of self that told me the upcoming years would be filled with love, and learning, and quiet humility. to be. quietly. humble. i questioned what that meant on numerous occasions but soon realized it wasn't a logical, pragmatic puzzle to solve but an essence to embody. and so here i am...month seven of life in another place and time with this quieting of the big I and this connecting to the little...and quiet space in between. 

i am learning the art of self. the art of listening intently without judgment. the art of letting go of ideas of self. letting go of ideas of others. letting go of expectations and wants vs. needs. i am learning the art of softening myself in the corners and crevasses that had built themselves on the notion of their rough exteriors. i am learning the value in silence and quiet side smiles. i am learning the art of loving unconditionally every aspect of this earth because it was all created with purpose and reason. i am learning to truly walk from that space of certainty and asuredness  as i see that the more i quiet my self the more connected i become to my essence...to the deep inner workings of my soul and my heart and everything they have to offer.

i have begun to see the value of my experience here in a completely different space and time than i had ever considered. i have learned to own what is mine emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually and to allow others to hold what is theirs. i am learning to see myself from a space of truth and honesty without the cloudiness of what society says i should be or how i should act. i thought i already lived from this space but stepping into a world that is not my own....taking up space that pushes on the ideas and boundaries of others i see the impact it has and drew back. drew in to that quietly humble space. and from that space i am seeing this emergence of self that is non dogmatic...non judgmental...all inclusive....and all love. and i am finding my root, my core self emerging from a new place of honesty and love and truth. with a declaration of softness and quiet. 



gentle glances.

i wonder if the stranger on the street who offers up a smile has any idea how deeply they can change the course of a day. the simplicity of eye contact and a smile in a world of frowns and uncertainty is a gentle reminder that if you look around you...you will always see beauty...because it's always there. it's just a matter of which vision you are choosing to look through.


ask and receive...

tumultuous tides turned my soul around this week. this peace corps life/experience always has a new twist or turn that i hadn't expected and always leaves me humbled at the divine presence that is always surrounding me. we are powerful beyond belief and need to always remember how much power lies in our words and intentions for they truly do become manifest...sometimes in the strangest of ways. if you read my previous post...which was literally only a few days ago you will see that i had mentioned discomfort in my living situation and a longing to move further up north toward gros islet where i have found more comfort and community. oddly enough...if you ask...you shall receive. last week, the day that i actually posted that exact request, the universal order of things set up a blessing in disguise.

tuesday the entire country was shut down due to the effects of the tropical storm that had passed thru. i spent my day inside resting, writing, cooking, and enjoying a super extended weekend. as the nite progressed sheldon (that's my boyfriend who seems to be showing up more and more in these posts now...) and i decided to walk down to the store in my community to get something to snack on. i don't go out in my community because it's not the kind of welcoming place that you really want to be wandering around in but i figured with sheldon by my side it would be okay. so we went to the store, got some snacks, came home, ate, talked, and went to bed. around 3 a.m. i kept hearing a noise sounding like someone was throwing something at my house. while i should have paid attention to the noise, i wrote it off and went back to sleep. when i was getting ready to walk out the door the next morning for work i noticed that the front screen was ripped off. strange but since i have burglar bars on each window, i didn't really think much of it. until i tried to find my purse. which is when i realized that noise i heard the previous nite was someone breaking into my window and fishing out my purse. gone. taken. so i made all the necessary calls, filed a police report and expected i would never see that bag again. which really sucked because it was a brand new bag i had just bought with a matching wallet. super cute. as the day went on and i dealt with the police and the scene of the crime my phone started ringing with an unrecognized number. lo and behold someone had "found" my purse and wanted to return it to me. good samaritan...until nite fell and he was clear about the fact that he wanted a $1000.00 finders fee. for a $40. bag...no thanks. i'll pass. so with his obvious awareness of where i live and his want of extortion the peace corps acted swiftly and decided to move me immediately for safety reasons. by thursday i was packed and moved into a new house. up north. in marisule, gros islet. exactly what i had asked for. in a new house super close to the beach with coconut trees and kind people all around me, with  beautiful views and a sense of peace and calm i hadn't felt since being here, i settled into my new surroundings with love and gratitude. and the next day, my bag was returned via the st lucia police who did an amazing job finding and catching the guy who created this whole mess. so while having my house broken into was distressing, mr. thief, you actually did me a favor. you moved me into a more welcoming community where i feel closer to god and light and love. you are saving me money. you have helped me remember that piece of me that was being stifled in ciceron by people like you. so thank you. i hope you find some peace of mind and reevaluate your lot in life. maybe you will find inspiration to do more, be more, live more fully. use my journal that you took to record your thoughts and ideas. and ask. because as you helped me see...when you put your wants out to the universe...she listens...and provides.

so as i sit in my new house with the crickets singing all around me, after watching a beautiful sunset from my front door i remember the power i hold in this world. and how much stronger it can be when i am tapped into the source that is always providing for me. so thank you for reopening my eyes and showing me all the tiny pieces that keep me living in love. all ways. blessed be.


summertime...and the livin is...sloooooooow...

it's been quite a while since i've written. i'd love to say it's because i have been overwhelmed with projects and plans and parties and friends but the truth is it's more-so because i am in a lull. it's summer time here which means my primary work at the CDP is down for two months...technically now one left...and so the daily duties of interaction and work with those kids is on hold. in the meantime...there really isn't much going on. i tried to put a camp together for them so they would at least have a connection point midway thru the summer but that never came to fruition. most of my time now is spent either in an office googling worksheets and playing on facebook or helping out in the vegan restaurant in gros islet. needless to say, this portion of my peace corps experience is quite different from the way i started but much more in line with the stories i have heard of too much downtime.

i have one more month and two weeks to get thru before the kids come back and we start our work again. that seems like a lifetime. it's made me realize how much i appreciate and love the work that i am doing on the 3rd floor of the Liat building though. how grateful i am to walk up those stairs every morning and hear "good morning miss." i have plans for this next year...we'll see how far we get. donations are slowly rolling in for the library we are building so that will be one of my major undertakings in the beginning. building up the library of books in my office, having the kids help catalogue and organize, and then assigning weekly responsibility to someone to handle the checking out and checking in of books. i hope that this library will ignite some flame of interest in reading and learning. from what i have seen all of these kids are hungry for information so hopefully giving them the ability to access it on their own will develop an even deeper hunger for knowledge. we'll see how it all unfolds...i'll keep you updated as it unravels.

in the meantime...i have been spending a lot of time at a vegan restaurant owned by my boyfriend...wait...wha...yes...my boyfriend. that's a whole nother story that i am not posting on this blog. he is a pretty incredible chef so he has been teaching me about food combining and helping me develop flavor into my foods...something i have been seriously lacking...forever. it's interesting because his restaurant is in gros islet which is north of my hood and where i spend a lot of my time. it has become like a second home and i feel more a part of that community than my own. it's been nice to be up there and connect with people and have recognition and comfort in an area of st lucia. i have had some really amazing conversations with all kinds of people and feel like i have been able to get a different view into st lucia from my time up there. it'd be nice if we could choose our communities because i would definitely move closer to that area. it's a sleepy little community right on the water full of rastas and children and life and street dogs. it has such character. every friday night they have a street party and i am always up there helping in the restaurant and meeting new people. there are two little boys who are connected to the shop next door, ajahni and tyreke. i love them. they have dance offs and karate competitions on the daily. it's nice to feel a part of something like i do up there. i wish my own community was more like that.

there is really nothing profound happening these days. like i said...it's down time. we just recently had a tropical wave pass over and while the peace corps was on excessive guard with their predictions that it would 100% turn into a hurricane and that it was heading directly for us, today the entire country has been shut down due to flooding. so while we didn't get that 100% they were suggesting, we did get an extra day off of work and an inability to travel throughout the entire country. imagine closing down the entire country. i've never heard of such a thing. i am grateful that we got by without any serious damage but i have to say...as a girl who lives for storms...it would have been nice to have a little bit to back up the hype. a little thunder, lighting, wind...something. it was essentially just a lot of rain. not even sideways rain or rain in heavy bands. just rain. that shut down the country. crazy.

so, while i say there is nothing life changing or earth shattering going on here these days i will say that i am changing. this experience and my interactions and relationships are definitely shifting my being. when you see me again i will be calmer, wiser, more grounded, and quietly humble. living on an island away from most of what you know will have that effect on you.

blessed love.