what is freedom?
is the ability to be. to feel. to love. openly. truthfully from your heart.
does it come with the expectation that those ideals, thoughts, wants, ideas will be respected?
does freedom come with expectations?
expectations of another and how they will respond
your freedom.
is that freedom?
are you free when someone else is imposing their expectations on you?


what i have learned

i have learned in this instance that i have a tendency to draw to me those that are weaker.
so i think
or are so full of reflective shit that i have to grit my teeth every time i get it wrong.
i have learned in this instance that my instincts are always spot on and when they tell me to walk away i should listen.
i have learned that the fear pattern keeps rearing it's head in ugly ugly places.
and i keep wasting precious time and energy falling into it instead of pushing through or around it.
i have learned that my fear of closeness pushes me to frantically find closeness in those that couldn't be further away from me.
i have learned that i am still sitting with this wounded child who feels she does not deserve to be seen or loved.
so she acts a fool and takes up space so that just like the boy who cried wolf
eventually they will stop paying attention.
i have learned that sex is my weapon.
and i use it quite dangerously and haphazardly.
i have learned that the balance my pendulum keeps trying to find is there.
i just keep the reactive phase at the face of everything i keep doing.
i have learned that the essence of myself knows how much wealth i carry inside
and instead of allowing it to blossom and affect
i keep it stuffed so that no one can take advantage or
even worse
show me how little i actually have.
i have learned that probably since before i ever stepped onto this earth plane i carried some lacking self worth baggage
and that shit followed me here.
i have learned that every time i feel i might have a grasp.
that i might have released all this old karmic baggage i came here to work out
i find it more than necessary to create some more.
because for whatever reason
i am wicked attached to this baggage.
and even though sometimes it's a carry on
sometimes a stow away
sometimes an overnight bag
it's always got the same shit in it.
love me
see me
feel me
touch me
want me
heal me
help me
hurt me.
so you can continue to push me
to be bigger
more trusting
in the universal flow.
rather than the human form
rather than the chaos that is human existence.
i find peace in silence but have yet to learn to shut my mouth
i find truth in allowing but have yet to find a way to be.
i find solace in love but have no idea how to open up to it.
i find beauty in myself but have no interest in sharing my wealth.
i am afraid.
and the more i walk in, breathe in, bathe in, live in that fear
the more negative fucking karma i will accumulate and the more mirrors and lessons i will have to demonstrate my bullshit back to me.
i long to be free.
free in love.
free in life.
free from fear.
freely fluid fluidity.
i've created this situation to teach me something.
to teach me how much growing and learning i have yet to do.
and how afraid i am of really being true.


sun. day.

a sweet day free.
i will be whatever i wished i could be and thought i could have been yesterday.
i'll deeply miss the mark of what i thought i could be today because i keep missing my mark.
i keep missing the start because i am already in race that i thought wasted too much time
but when i rewind i find
i am exactly where i was
after i fast forward to get back to where i started.
my heart got stuck.
my life got lucked.
and so i wait.
i wait for you.
i wait for me.
i wait for the freedom to believe that you are breathing at the same pace as me
and know that it's we.
i wait until i step back into that moment before i thought before and know
i'm already free.
i'm already freely feeling
i'm already freely being.
i'm already freely fluid.
i'm already freely fluid fluidity.
i am.
how else could i have gotten here.


buck buck

tonight was quite the flight of consciousness.
nothing less than what i had ever guessed was the true weight of hip hop.
the true wisdom that never stopped flowing out my soul.
that thing that grabbed a hold so long ago had no idea what it was messing with
what i had given it so that she could take flight
through sound love and light my soul is so bright it has nothing left to do but
i just rewound my game so hard i'm not even sure how to drive this
mode of my soul.
that was my baby hold that always knew i had to step back two times to find.
her wealth.
truth is weighted by pomp and circumstance
and some other dance i am not sure how to do
but with anyone but
i fly so freely when i am fluidly feeling.
i am a divine representation of everything that has ever been.
ever is
and ever will be.
connectedly representing our
listen up
i understand this shit is rough
i understand it hurts.
it jerks.
it climbs
it fights.
i understand its hard
but if
if you can tap into that resonating sense of self.
of i
and i.
you will find your wealth is so much deeper than anything you ever thought you knew
you would draw so hard from the cards of life
you'd find any strife.
whips you had to ride.
they were only a piece of the changing tide.
so since.
are a fluid piece of this universe.
you best take that wealth and pass it back through
ten hundred thousand times.
so the soul's self can unwind and find that sexy slithery fluid fuidity..
that keeps us
in line.
as one.
body mind spirit.
papa dahna.
mira mira entre de me vida.
esta bonita.
por todo vida.



oh wounded self.
deep in the confines i felt your heart beating ever so slightly.
i felt your tears streaming lightly
as though the whispers you had attempted came through the
saltiness of your fears.
oh little one.
how you tried to find your way into this place and call it home
and how time and time again you got pushed deeper from the sole.
i never said i miss you
i never said i'm sorry.
but i do.
and i am.

i have walked proudly and stoically as this warrior self ever since i can remember
completely unaware that under all that armor
the beat of my essence
was waiting to be heard.


i'm going.

i'm going to fall in love with you life. so fast and so hard you won't know what hit you. and you'll wonder in your open life kind of soul...
how in the world did this happen.
how did you slip in with your side swiping self and find your wealth and release that knowledge on me...
i am after all...
well....i am be.ing. myself.
reaching the resonating wealth that has been stored in some chile cave for a lil too long.
i've found that my heart song resonates with yours life.
because you are mine and i am
fluidly hearing
your raspy voice
holding my choice open and wide
in your winds. your waters.
the tides of your daughter moon.
just so i could find
if my light went out.
my route got distracted...disconcerted...flirted...hurt.ed...worked...burnt...toiled...traveled...riled....filed...miled....
just so i could come back to your shores...
your design....
and find.
i've been fine this whole time.
none of this rhyme says anything more than i always knew.
at the core of my truth.
my wealth.
my health.
my restless self.
all ways.
connecting with you.
you and your freely fluidly fluid self.
and my wealth.
all. ways.

in the time of chimpanzees...

what in the world was i thinking. too much. what was i feeling. not enough. 
i wish. 
when i know fear...i feel love.