what i have learned

i have learned in this instance that i have a tendency to draw to me those that are weaker.
so i think
or are so full of reflective shit that i have to grit my teeth every time i get it wrong.
i have learned in this instance that my instincts are always spot on and when they tell me to walk away i should listen.
i have learned that the fear pattern keeps rearing it's head in ugly ugly places.
and i keep wasting precious time and energy falling into it instead of pushing through or around it.
i have learned that my fear of closeness pushes me to frantically find closeness in those that couldn't be further away from me.
i have learned that i am still sitting with this wounded child who feels she does not deserve to be seen or loved.
so she acts a fool and takes up space so that just like the boy who cried wolf
eventually they will stop paying attention.
i have learned that sex is my weapon.
and i use it quite dangerously and haphazardly.
i have learned that the balance my pendulum keeps trying to find is there.
i just keep the reactive phase at the face of everything i keep doing.
i have learned that the essence of myself knows how much wealth i carry inside
and instead of allowing it to blossom and affect
i keep it stuffed so that no one can take advantage or
even worse
show me how little i actually have.
i have learned that probably since before i ever stepped onto this earth plane i carried some lacking self worth baggage
and that shit followed me here.
i have learned that every time i feel i might have a grasp.
that i might have released all this old karmic baggage i came here to work out
i find it more than necessary to create some more.
because for whatever reason
i am wicked attached to this baggage.
and even though sometimes it's a carry on
sometimes a stow away
sometimes an overnight bag
it's always got the same shit in it.
love me
see me
feel me
touch me
want me
heal me
help me
hurt me.
so you can continue to push me
to be bigger
more trusting
in the universal flow.
rather than the human form
rather than the chaos that is human existence.
i find peace in silence but have yet to learn to shut my mouth
i find truth in allowing but have yet to find a way to be.
i find solace in love but have no idea how to open up to it.
i find beauty in myself but have no interest in sharing my wealth.
i am afraid.
and the more i walk in, breathe in, bathe in, live in that fear
the more negative fucking karma i will accumulate and the more mirrors and lessons i will have to demonstrate my bullshit back to me.
i long to be free.
free in love.
free in life.
free from fear.
freely fluid fluidity.
i've created this situation to teach me something.
to teach me how much growing and learning i have yet to do.
and how afraid i am of really being true.

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