it certainly has been about forever since i've last documented anything regarding my experience. it's not for lack of life altering events but more that i just haven't really had the inclination to share my experiences with the world. i was recently in st vincent on an amazing vacation discussing this point with a friend who agreed that sometimes certain growth edges need to stay internally milling about until they are ready to smooth. some growth edges are quite personal and only ours for the developing.
that being said...life has surely directed me once again to the intricately designed spot i am now sitting in. humbly. quiet. july ended the year at upton gardens girls center and brought with it a perfectly placed vacation. i took the opportunity to hop over to saint vincent and the grenadines for some much needed r & r. i have been struggling in my service for the past couple of months. i think the transition from my first assignment to my new one left me a bit disoriented beyond my own recognition. while i absolutely love upton gardens, being there means that i am no longer an integral part of the development of cdp. a program that i have so much faith and hope in. the transition was seamless intellectually but i believe my emotional self may have skirted away with a few loose threads. that being said the transition and the overwhelming weight of constantly adjusting and redefining in an unfamiliar culture left me slightly worn around the edges and ready for some down time.
i took off to saint vincent with the intention of staying 10 days and soon realized that would not be enough time...if i had my way i might have spent an eternity there...and beyond. vacation is an amazing thing...but this was beyond the experience of a vacation. i was fortunate enough to be in sync with a few other friends who were vacationing at the same time and therefore able to tap into their vacation. we hiked, climbed, bathed, swam, laughed, sang, metamorphosised, and experienced every single moment that was for the taking. the most amazing part of the entire experience was that i regained myself. leaving saint lucia and the stressors that have created a continual state of fight or flight i was able to breathe. fully. i was able to see. clearly. i was able to hear. truly.
living here i have felt the need to step into another skin. one that is not my own. one that many times i don't quite recognize but continue to move throughout my days with the hope that the reflection i see will one day become familiar. the more i try to see clearly, the less distinct my silhouette becomes. i have been looking to find balance for a while. desperately trying to find the perfect conversation, walk, interaction, minute that might snap me back into my own truth. desperately searching for the idealist who stepped onto this path a year and a half ago and becoming more lost than found with each step. the day before i left for st vincent my soul was uprooted unbeknownst to me so that it could be replanted in firmer soil.
my time away on this beautiful, mystical, magical island refurbished my foundation. reconnected me to the source of my self and the divinity within. the people and places i found myself a part of every minute of every day were constantly synchronically driven. for two weeks i found myself shedding layers and layers of hurt and pain and angst and fear and want and refilling with truth and honesty and connectedness. i began to feel again...to connect again...to breathe again. i started to notice that the reflection i was seeing looked a little more familiar. the skin a little more comfortable. i started to recognize myself and my thoughts a little more clearly. i let go.
let go of expectations. let go of perceptions and judgments. let go of hurt and aggression. let go of pain and disappointment. i let go and felt the intensity fall away.
i am now home and back to work. today was my first day back in castries and back in the flow. i prayed that my awareness and freedom would carry me through the city and through my day. and my day was filled with serendipitous meetings and immeasurable warmth. around every corner was a chance meeting with someone i needed to see or a perfectly placed conversation with a stranger. by the end of my work day my heart was just as full as it was while it was reprogramming on vacation. as i was walking through town on my way out of work...a small boy came running toward me...no parent in sight...but seemingly on a mission. i grabbed him as i thought someone would surely be missing him after he had broken away in a mad dash for freedom and brought him back up in the direction he had come running from. a woman on the side of the road asked if he was with me and i said no...so she told me to leave him with her and she would find his mother. soon after, a little girl came around the corner and said..."mom is going to beat you" to which the woman replied that if anyone beat this child she would call the police and proceeded to go into a rightfully placed dialogue about the responsibility of the parent to account for their child. and there this little boy sat. perfectly content on a strangers lap. no tears, no fear. content.
i have reconnected with that deep part of my self. my soul self. the part that aches and longs for truth and honesty. love and openness. awareness and fully realized potential. and that self knows that little boy was placed there for me today as a reminder. a reminder to trust in the goodness of the world and the guidance of spirit. to have faith. and to know that even in fight or flight mode...you are always protected.
so thank you saint vincent...for finding me while i was aimlessly directing myself down your streets. and thank you for returning me home.