honestly...2012...

honest to god's truth...2012 has not started out so solid for me. i was under the impression that this was the year of enlightenment..the year of a collective conscious shift...but unless those things also come with dengue and slip and falls...it seems it might be the year of unfortunate mishaps. granted...it's only just begun...and slip and falls come with rain...which create more mosquitoes...which carry dengue...but it still seems a bad omen of sorts.
or maybe it's the fact that we are in the year of the water dragon. sounds like a passive kind of dragon but as was pointed out to me...water is torturous on land and has done such grave things as create the grand canyon...so maybe the water in water dragon isn't so passive after all.
or maybe all of these things simply exist to light more fire into a wavering peace corps soul. the tiny development worker who enters with such high hopes only to be slowly whittled away into a shell of what her grand ideas once ignited. maybe they exist as the greatest challenge of all. what do we really do in the face of adversity?
here i am in one of the most adverse situations i have ever been in my life. a seemingly benign culture and existence that by all measures appear full of daily lounges on the beach and afternoon cocktails. but whose underbelly is full of neglect and dissonance and strife and fear. full of the struggles of daily life and rising food prices and weeks without gas to cook with. full of teenage pregnancies and lack of desire to prevent such things from happening. full of empty promises from those in power and open hands of those in waiting.
this year in saint lucia has touched me and pushed me in a million directions and stripped me to the core. this essence of who i thought i was has been confronted with who i would like to be a million times over. i thought i was the one who would speak up, speak out. i find i am now the one who sits back and watches...wondering if i should question. i thought i had immeasurable strength and i find many days when it becomes difficult to even lift my heart in gratitude. i thought i had connection to source...to life...to light...and i find myself seeking solace and peace in every passing glance.
i am not sure why 2012 has started out as such a struggle...but i am looking forward to moving through this year fluidly and finding out what is on the other end of this dragon's tail.