haphazardly integrated

i am in the midst of a pretty powerful break-up. it's heart breaking and wondrous in ways i have never known before. it's unlike any falling away i have previously experienced and definitely comes with it's own set of challenges and confusions...but it's intimately beautiful and precious at the same time.

having a relationship in peace corps is unlike anything i have ever experienced before. prior to becoming a volunteer, i had been single for a long, long time. single by choice. single with the need and desire to fully understand and integrate all pieces of myself so that when it was time...i could fully show up in a space that would allow even deeper growth, awareness, and understanding of the dark pieces of my shadow i couldn't see on my own. that personal growth took a long time. it took up a lot of space in the world...so much so that i got really comfortable with just me...and knew that when someone came knocking...it would be tough to open up the door all the way. but then i was in the peace corps. and life is different. and so the door opened and a little quicker and wider than i had imagined. and i fell in love. deeply in love. with another person that deeply and intricately reflected my shadows...the pieces of myself even i didn't want to acknowledge. so here i am in this world that is not mine...longing for connection and understanding and compassion and familiarity. i will be the first to admit i fell quickly into the comfort that was offered. but that is nothing new. it's my pattern. i always fall without regard and look back later wondering...if i had taken a little more time...would i have seen it differently. and consistently in that looking back i have regrets...longings and wishes that there would have been more...i would have done more, said more, known more....

so here i am in this deep, deep place with another human being...in a world that is not mine nor his...holding space in a haphazard kind of way because peace corps is haphazard. existence in peace corps is haphazard: characterized by lack of order or planning, by irregularity, by randomness; determined by or dependent on chance....and by chance my heart cracked open. all the pieces were in place for such an event. my heart was already bursting open wide with hope and possibility for this situation i was in...and when it started to prove more difficult than i expected and i became more distant from myself than i had ever known...a reflection of myself and my dreams and desires was the perfect addition to my experience. i fell in love. deeply in love with another human being. fell in love in a way i had never known before. in love with the dark pieces of myself that kept showing up in the cracks and crevasses of us. my heart cracked open. wide. and something magical happened.

i fell in love in a way i had never known. i fell in love in a way that kept me in when i could've walked away. i fell in love in a way that hurt deeper than i thought possible and kept me well aware of the truth that i am fully, intimately connected and alive along side every atom of this universe. i fell in love in a way that allowed me to see the essence of myself and ultimately fell in love so deeply that i had to walk away.

peace corps is haphazard. falling in love in peace corps is haphazard. it exists on levels that were unbeknownst to me before arriving on this island. it shelters in the storms that are forever rolling through and if we are not careful...it can aid us in getting so lost we think those bolts of thunder are how it's always been and always will be. i guess that is love though...strong, loud, powerful, scary, foundation-shaking. but here is the beauty of it...the beauty of love in the peace corps and this love that i have found...it has allowed me to find my heart open...even amidst the shadows and the pain and the struggles.

god has cracked my heart open again and again and again until this time....it is open...eternally. and gratefully. open.

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