i had planned to do a yoga podcast tonight...let someone else lead me so i wouldn't have to think about the poses i was doing...for some reason i had it in my head that i wanted to do arm balances...wanted to strengthen myself and work through a challenging practice. my body had other ideas...let me regress for a minute. one of the main reasons i decided to begin this challenge was because i was finding a disconnect between myself and my spirit...my faith...the universe. i found that while i am going through the daily motions and trying to work deeply with the girls at upton gardens...i am only going through the motions. the deep level of understanding and connectedness was missing. i know from experience that i am only in that mindset and heart space when i am consistently stepping onto my mat. the other reason was because of my own emotional...rather lack of emotional...space that i have been sitting in for a while. while there are things happening...monumental, trying, difficult, exuberant...life changing things...happening all around me...i am almost storing them and not experiencing them. i can physically feel the weight of my world in my body..and i can feel it pulling me down. i know again from experience the only way to allow all of these emotions to be is to step onto my mat...and delve deeply into my breath and the opening that may bring...in whatever direction.
so tonight...when i was searching for a podcast...for a voice that i would connect with...i found none but my own. my own internal guide telling me to step on my mat...and flow. don't think...just allow. don't fight...just breathe. so i put on some good music and began my practice. what i found was that while in the beginning i was one step ahead of myself...trying to figure out what should come next...where should i be going...how to counterbalance...slowly...i let go. slowly...the future and the past....the linkages and the steps weren't important...the present moment was all that mattered. the current breath was the only focus. and so i began to flow. and from that space i created. ultimate, open, creativity...from deep within. through pain and conflict to joy and resolution.
when i stepped off my mat...and looked at the clock...it was 9.15. i had just lost myself in a 2 hour practice. no concept of where i was headed...no concern for what might occur when i get there...just honest, open intention for the present moment and whatever emotions or challenges might come up in that space. and as they came...they went. and i found a renewed sense of not only myself but my connection to god...and to all that is. and so...i remembered.
and tonight i will sleep with a deep sense of gratitude and peace for i have once again connected to the source...and feel the true honest love that comes with that knowing.