finding home again.

this post is inspired by something i read on elephantjournal today. a yoga blog dedicated to truth and honesty in all it's forms:  http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/02/the-unbearable-heaviness-of-being-human/

the past few weeks i have been having deep internal struggles. my heart has gripped, wrapped, and closed itself tightly into the cave it once lived in. i spent years breaking through those barriers to open myself up to love and honesty and beauty in all its forms...but then...it went back into hiding. it crept up slowly...this heart wrenching...the anger. it started out subtly but continued to sneak up on me through the night until it was out in the open...blazing loudly...in every which direction i turned. i don't know what started it honestly...but if i take it back...the two years that i have been here in saint lucia have been intense. i have seen the deepest of human struggles, the hardest of human fights, the ugliest pieces of the human spirit. and i breathe, and i swim, and i sing, and i practice humility and patience and kindness...but it doesn't stop the pain...it doesn't deny the truth that humanity can be so incredibly destructive to it's own lifeblood...spirit.

so if i really check it...it may be all the pain and struggle i have endured while here. all the heartache i have shouldered and housed for the struggling. it may be the gap that brought me home to support only to be violently rung back into the reality of the yin and the yang. the balance that seems so incredible unbalanced most of the time. it may be the hurtful words, glances, unacknowledgment that builds and builds. it may be the uncertainty with which these two years that have bled into days, hours, and minutes which have become routine and commonplace are about to end...into complete unknown. it could be that all that pain and heartache is leading me to a path of the greatest awakening of my life. but it's undeniable...wherever it is coming from.

i read something today...a horoscope about preparing for the intense opening that will come after all this pain and destruction. after all the testing and hurdles and hoop jumping are over...to be prepared for the greatness that is on the horizon. i know that every hard turn leads to a straightaway until again another turn comes. such is life. i know that i will never forget the pain and heartache i witness on a daily basis here that has formed and nicked itself deeply into my heart and my soul. i will remember every time i come to the safety of my mat how much that space saved me when i felt my world was crashing in. i will remember how blessed i am to be surrounded by love and patience and goodness and how rare that is to find in the world.

i am so grateful for this experience in my life. and amazed at how it is ending and my emotional response as it rolls out. i suppose i can finally let go. and feel a little freer knowing....this too shall pass.