2-12-2010

second day of the last month of this year. it's hard to believe it's gone by so quickly. to think of all the life changing and affirming situations and realizations that have occurred this year is almost overwhelming. all of the awarenesses, untapped resources, unknown depths. 29 more days until a new year begins. a new year of limitless possibilities. typically when something is close to the end i find myself looking back and thinking...wow...i wish i would have done this or that. i still haven't accomplished that thing. this year has been ripe. full of life and light and goodness and love. love in all forms and all ways. which is exactly what i set out to experience at the end of last year.

last year. december 30. i was sitting on a balcony overlooking laguna de apoyo in nicaragua. the moon was high in the sky and was igniting this foreign fire within me. something deep within. i remember sitting and thinking about new year's resolutions when i had this overwhelming sense of love. love as purpose. love as the direction for the upcoming year. typically...because i am a woman...this leads into romantic ideas of love. partnerships...marriage...families. this was different. this was love as an all encompassing experience. love as purity. love as truth. no boundaries. no definitions. no expectations. loving from that place of honesty and integrity. god love. the kind that fills your soul every minute of the day and is seen in everyone you come in contact with because simply being here is quite the miracle. and so it was.

a year of love. i hadn't really thought about this until i sat down at this moment to write but i have felt and been shown love in a myriad of forms throughout this year. i have softened and opened in new directions. i have seen the beauty in the most hideous of things and have found simplicity as the sole direction to living. love. all. ways. for the first time in my life i have handed my heart out unapologetically to nearly everyone i have come in contact with. i have mended the pieces that were tattered by ego or other's words. i have trusted on a level that i had never known before. i have divulged my deepest fears and wants and dreams to the most incredibly supportive and amazing group of women i have ever known. i have seen glimpses of my light and i have fallen in love with myself and my purpose here on earth. i have been directed by my deepest self. the one who keeps telling me to quiet down. listen more. be less aggressive. be softer. be. love.

in this year i have earned an M.A. in psychology. i have applied to the peace corps. i have finished an internship. i have reignited my love of massage. i have traveled to nicaragua. i have learned how to sail and sailed the british virgin islands with my girlfriends. i have gotten rid of nearly everything i once owned. i have celebrated mother's day, father's day, family birthday's with my entire family present. i have learned the significance and importance of patience. i have learned to trust. i have learned to hustle again in order to make things happen. i have opened my heart a million times without expectation or want of reward. and yet...

all i can think about is building on that sense of love. that unconditional positive regard as rogers would say. seeing all beings and creatures from their essence, their light. living from my essence, my light. there are 29 more days left in this year. 29 days to see, to think, to feel, to love. before this year is over i will have a new path, a new destination, a new direction. and i know without a doubt that course will be guided by pure, true, love.

all. ways.